Feel So Alone Lately

I have found it harder and harder to act like a guy, lately.  But, I feel like I'm by myself because my true self- my girl self, has no one to be with.  I want to be Melinda Anne with someone---anyone!  Do I need a bf, a gf, another cd to relate to.  I need to have someone to help me with my makeup, my dressing, my smoking...

I Think She Knows

It might be my wife knows---or at least suspects my femme self.  Not quite sure what to do.  Just admit it.  Leave.  She doesn't seem very happy with me.  It is so hard to hold my girl-self back, but not sure I can just start living as a girl.  I do feel like doing just that, though.

Had A Crazy Sex Dream

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How Far Will I Take My Sissification?

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Pushing Ahead To Be A Better Sissy Girl

I had been trying to not be a sissy girl, but I have realized that I can't because that is who I am.  And I need to become more and more a sissy girl.  I want to get my sissy dress and show myself off in it.  I need to get better with taking photos and moving them onto the computer.  I think my lack of computer skills has held me back from expressing more the sissy girl I am.  I should have some sissy pics of myself here.  Need to figure out how to do.  Problems with the cars has taken way too much time away from exploring and expressing my girl-self as much i really needed to this weekend.  I have been trying to be my own girl lately, but i am such a sissy girl, and sissy girls needed to be controlled and owned.  Just such a wonderful feeling.  But, being my own person for a while lets me try to have my own thoughts and have an ability to decide what i should do.  But, not sure I should have control over myself.

Back in Panties Tomorrow

I love my No-Panty Wednesdays, but will be happy to be wearing silky nylon panties again tomorrow.  Felt so "free" today, although would have been much better if I was wearing a skirt.  Slept in a long nightgown last night.  Need more nighties, maybe go back to my baby doll nighty or maybe wear a slip to bed tonight.  Have been sleeping in a separate bedroom from my wife the last few nights.  Just told her that I wasn't sleeping well and didn't want to disturb her.  Not sure if when or if I will sleeping in the same room and bed again  soon.  I did keep waking up last night.  Had a wonderful talk with Mistress Alyssa last night.  She just makes me feel so good.

No Panty Wednesday

I get so excited about No-Panty Wednesdays.  It's just a great feeling I get in anticipation of dressing especially feminine and sexy on this day!  Albeit while wearing no panties, which I do love.  But, I have put out a garter, my last pair of silky black nylons, a polyester lacy cami, a lacy black bra, and i even touched up my toenails with clear polish.

I can hear a faint warning alarm going off somewhere in the back of my head.  I think it is saying, "what are you doing? You are going right back to where you were before."  But, it is easy to quiet that voice by lighting up a sweetly delicious Virginia Slim 120.  Someone has told me that I am so easily controlled, but that I can avoid being controlled just by not going near that person who so easily controls you.  But, what if you are addicted to that person, and are driven by the wonderful feelings you get being with that person to get connected up with that person.  I do know that I am very easily hypnotized and have been conditioned, maybe beyond resisting it anylonger.

I just need to go a little further in experiencing femininzation and sissification.  At some point I'll just stop dressing, acting like a girl, thinking like a girl, and being a fetish smoking sissy girl.  I thought I had stopped, but I'm not so sure that I ever really did.  Maybe I can't anylonger?

Halloween Costume

I was going to dress up as a pirate for work at Halloween.  I don't know if my mind was influenced, but after talking to Mistress Alyssa, I had different ideas.  I decided I would be a maid.  Wish it could have been a Sissy French Maid in a satin short lacy dress, but unfortunately did not have one of those dresses (yet!).  A costume shop might have had what I needed, and it would have been great fun shopping, but wasn't certain they would have my size, or that i would have enough to find what I needed.  I did have a short dress, and I added an apron and a hat.  As props, I had a feather duster, a mop, and a pail.  Well, maybe I was more of a domestic housecleaner, but I was wearing a dress!  Since it was No Panty Wednesday, I had no panties on, but I did have on a bra, nylons, a garter and a nylon slip over it under my dress.  And, of course, my blonde wig.  A little bit of lipstick, and thankfully I had retrieved my breast forms after I had a crazy moment where I tried to get rid of them because they made me too much a girl and are too difficult to hide.  The breast forms really fill out my bra and push out the front of my dress.  I love having boobies! I was half thinking that I would never be able to force myself to go to work dressed like this, but it was like I slipped into a trance, and I wasn't even embarrassed showing up to work dressed as a maid in her dress!I felt confident and gloriously girly and enjoyed every moment at work.  I felt absolutely dreamy all day.  I may have had a few moments of feeling doubt, but i went out and smoked a Viginia Slim 120 cigarette, and all I thought about was how wonderfully feminine I felt!  It was a great day, and one I wish I could repeat over and over---always!  I didn't see a lot of people, but most thought I was cute, although maybe needing more makeup!

Trying A Balancing Act

I am trying to achieve a balance between my fetish smoking sissy girl self and the masculine, assertive man who I'm supposed to be.  I say this while I'm slipping on a silky sheer pair of black nylon hose over my legs and attaching them to a black lace garter I'm wearing.  lol. of my  Looking over the twin mounds of my lacy bra tightly covered with a silky smooth polyester cami. And all the while, it's taking every bit of my willpower not to slip into a silky sheer nylon blouse instead of the cotton men's button down shirt I need (?) to wear to work.  My willpower holds---this time...It has become increasingly difficult to repress my feminine mannerisms that have become natural to me, and to hold back the desire to just come out as a transgender woman at work.  It would probably just better to retire and move away from here---even if it mean leaving my wife.  But, as I said, I'm trying to create some sort of balance where I can experience being melinda, but not lose all the rest of my life.  It becomes increasingly hard to resist the desire to be controlled, to be a complete sissy, and totally feminized.  I have had thoughts of quiting smoking, but my cigs make me feel so nice, I feel so much P L E A S U R E from them, and i feel submissive, so girly when I smoke.  And I find myself dreaming of once again being one of Mistress Alyssa's girls.  And doing everything I must to be her girl.  When I was under Mistress Alyssa's control, I felt so secure.  I didn't have to think much, rather I would just follow the path that Mistress had conditioned me to follow.  It was becoming more and more automatic.  It would be so easy and feel so right to go back to that.  I think i am a girl who needs to be owned.  But, the thoughts that I can't just give up being a guy seeps back in.  I thought that I could just choose to go back to being a man, but Mistress Alyssa has too deeply conditioned me for that to happen.  Mistress has transformed me into a Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl, and I am afraid that i will always be one from now on.  The only question is whether i will give into the constant overwhelming desire to be melinda completely inside AND outside.  Maybe I'll just have another delicious Virginia Slim 120 and let my mind slip further into that wonderful feminine and submissive sense of self.

Feeling Even More Girly Today

Want to be so girly today.  What do I wear?  Something light and silky and sheer.  Bought a nice silky cami over the weekend.  Thought I was done doing that!  But, I felt the need so strongly.  Will wear that black lacy bra under my cami.  It makes my chest show a little, but I get a great little feeling showing to everyone really looking that I'm a girl.  Giggle.  And i want to smoke more Virginia Slim 120s!  Maybe I'll take 2 packs with me today and see if I can start on becoming a 2-pack a day smoking girl.  Have not been smoking with anyone at work, but maybe I'll look for someone.  And cigarettes are not the only thing i'm craving lately.  I'm thinking about cocks a lot.  Do I need a boyfriend?  To treat me like the girl i am!?

Becoming The Best Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl I Can Be

Seeing how much of a Sissy Girl I can become.  I'm back to wearing lingerie full-time, and other pieces of femme clothing are seeping into my wardrobe.  I have been working out some financial issues, but I think I am about ready to order my Sissy dress and things from Birch Place.  I am not very good with the computer stuff and working in photos, but I am working at taking some femme shots of me that i can place here and in my profiles to show the Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl I am.  I act more and more like a girl, and I really want a cock to suck.  Anyone know where I can find one?! LOL.  I was reminded on how smoking a delicious Virginia Slim 120 pushes out those doubts about being a girl, and I felt so feminine and submissive after smoking one last night.  I need to find a person to help me take photos and video myself smoking while dressed.  Anyone know someone who can help me?

Was Melinda A Lot On Trip

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I Will Be Dressed Girly Tomorrow

Thought briefly about wearing only guy things for work tomorrow.  But, I realize that I am a girl now, and I will be wearing silky nylon panties, a satiny bra, smooth sheer nylons, a silky lacy polyester cami tomorrow.  And I am trying to resist the idea of rearing a silky blouse instead of my men's shirt.   I was going to go all guy tomorrow, but I love and am addicted to dressing now.  And need to fill up my pick cigarette case with long slim, feminine Virginia Slim 120s.  I think I need to bring an extra pack tomorrow.  I am not going to act girly tomorrow---giggle, of course I will!

What Am I Doing

What has happened to me?  I'm a girl now and I'm not entirely sure how it happened.  I was living a life as a guy, but now I'm about to show and tell everyone that I'm a girl.  I am ready to post pictures of me dressed and very girly/  That will probably change my life.  Am I ready for that?  Can I do that?  Am I to the Point of really No Return?

Doing As I'm Told

Mailed off my silver cigarette case as I was told.  Have started smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.  I have often been wearing blouses instead of shirts.  I guess I am coming along.  Had thoughts that i might start backsliding into being a guy.  Don't think that is happening.

Too Hot Here

Went up to the mountains for the day to escape the heat and humidity.  Just been too hot and sticky and been wearing me out.  I feel like a Zombie half the time.  Oh, maybe that is because my mind is now in a mist half the time now.  I do feel like I'm in a trance a lot.  Saw a couple of little videos on cock sucking here.  Oooooo, made cocks look so yummy!  But, really, I think I can become an expert cock sucker, even if I don't have a real one to practice on.  Stated to go shopping for clothes and makeup a couple of days ago, but realized it was getting late and i didn't rant to get caught up in traffic.  I got a new coffee travel mug.  I do love coffee.  And, now i found that coffee goes so well with cigarettes.  My smoking has increased.  I'm sure I will soon be a Pack-A-Day Girl!  Who would have ever thought?!  Was a little short on funds to transfer money to pay for my Birch place Sissy Dress and mincers.  But, soon!  I know you are all tired of hearing me saying I'm getting the dress, but I am!!! Soon!  I can't wait to show me wearing it to Mistress Alyssa!  I'm sure I will want to wear it all the time!  I already do!!

Found Out What It Feels Like To Meet Old Friend As A Girl

I met an old buddy of mine for lunch, and I was a girl.  He might not have completely realized that I am a girl now, but he might have sensed it somewhat.  I was sooo silky and smooth underneath my guy clothes with my polyester cami, lacy bra, smooth nylon panties, and silky sheer nylon hose.  I felt such the girly girl, and I couldn't stop acting like a girl with him.  But, he didn't seem to mind, and we enjoyed each other's company very much I think.  Caught up on some old times, and maybe we'll get a chance to see each other again.  I think I shocked him when I lit up a long white feminine Virginia Slim 120 outside after eating.  He had never known me to smoke.  He probably felt my bra when we hugged while leaving, but he didn't say anything.  Funny thing, I wanted him to feel my bra and know I was girly underneath.  Just such a strong compulsion to fly my girl colors.  When I got into my car, I slipped on my high heels and it felt so right, especially wearing nylons.  Almost forgot to switch to my guy shoes when I got back to the office.

Be Out To A Football Game

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Felt So Feminine

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Got Excited Over Soccer Match

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melinda back

After being gone for a while, Melinda Anne is back.  Was so girly wearing a bra panties nylons and a cami today.  Felt soooo girly.  And I brought my high heels with.  I put them on driving, and I even slipped them on when I went outside to smoke a cigarette.  Felt so perfect over my nylons.  And, now I need to order my sissy dress and mincers from Birch Place.  There was a problem with there payment.  Has anyone ordered from them lately?  I can't stop the constant pressure of needing to order them.  I must obey and have my sissy dress and mincers.

I've Always Been A Smoking Girl

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Need To Get Back On Track In Becoming A Girl

I think I had started to drift away from becoming the complete girl I need to become.  But, Mistress got me back on track last night, and I felt so focused on being a girl today.  A smoking girl.  I had really stopped smoking but I have gotten back to 10 cigarettes a day.  I couldn't dress at home today, but I felt an irresistible compulsion to wear a dress today.  So I brought one with me and changed into it while I was out driving around.  MMmmmmmm.  So much PLEASURE smoking while in a dress.  I am a Girl.  And I just must find a way to order my satiny slippery sissy dress, and collars.  I can't stop thinking about them!  I want to wear them and show Mistress while I'm smoking.  I wish i had someone around here that I could go over to and smoke and dress.  That would be so much fun!  Maybe Mistress knows someone....

My Smoking Girl Conditioning Is Permanent

I think I have been drifting a bit in my path toward complete feminization, sissification, and committment to become a totally cigarette addicted fetish smoking girl.  But, whenever Mistress Alyssa asserts herself over me, her control wipes out all other of my thoughts.  I feel even more committed to being transformed into a complete girl.  I enjoyed 10 Virginia Slim 120 Menthols today, and i might have 10 more.  I want to become at least a 1-pack a-day girl soon!

Has anyone else used or is familar with the Phoenix Project for hormones?  I registered with them, but not sure that they are "real" hormones, or just herbs.

Have loved talking to my sister Ali, and would love to see her videos.  I hear they are very, very good.

Can't Believe It's "No Panties Wednesday!"

And I just got back into wearing panties again!  It was great fun talking to my sister ali the other night.  The feelings of being a girl came right back to me talking to her.  I don't have any cigarettes.  I might just have to buy a pack today.  Have to decide what to wear today.  Hmmmm....

I Was A Soft, Silky Flower Today

Maybe it sounds silly, but I really felt this way today, as I was wearing silky lingerie, a creme colored polyester camisole with lace across the top, black smooth silky nylon pantyhose, and creme colored nylon panty briefs.  After wearing cotton guy boxers for a week and a half, being in girl undies just felt good.  I might have worn the boxers undershorts if I had not spoken to Mistress Alyssa in the morning, but as she spoke to me, the compulsion to dress got so strong---so irresistible.  And I had a delicious Virginia Slim 120, which I had not smoked in 1and a half weeks.  I only had 2 cigarettes left, after smoking the 1---I had thrown a pack away before leaving on my trip.  I felt guilty as I left, as I had promised myself not to smoke anymore---but I immediately regretted throwing those 2 VS 120 Menthols away, as the feeling of smoking was soooo good this morning.  The thought of going out and buying a package of Virginia Slim 120 Menthols kept popping up in my thoughts all day.  But, I didn't because i would just stare at my pink cigarette case all day and crave a smoke.  Funny---as I had given them not a lot of thought while I was away.  I have been looking at the girly pink cigarette case thinking of those long white slender feminine cigarettes that sweep away all my male thoughts and make me feel how submissive and girly I really am.    Maybe i need to buy a pack soon.  Where am I going to go from here??  Am I going to dress tomorrow, or put my girly desires behind me and go back to my cotton boxers?  I do have my boxers at the top of my underwear drawer, with nylon panties underneath them.  I just need to avoid looking at, or touching the panties when I reach in for my boxers.

Been Traveling

Sorry my Dear Diary.  Have been traveling and out of state for almost a couple of weeks.  I was living as a guy again, as it was impossible to bring my girl clothes with.  Also didn't smoke!  Was this all crazy.  Am I back to living as a guy, or was this a temporary thing?  I could still feel the NEED to smoke and dress, all the while I wasn't.  The craving to weakened some, and maybe this is a point that I can stop smoking and dressing??  I do know I am a girl, and that I will always be a smoker even if I don't smoke.  And I looked up the Sissy Dress from Birch Place and I was hypnotized by it until I could click off it.  I am in a cotton t-shirt, cotton boxer shorts, and cotton cargo shorts right now, but my thoughts keep going to the slippery silky feel of polyester, nylon, silk, or chiffon....  I'm trying not to think about those things.  And I know I will always love Mistress Alyssa so much and want to obey her.  I can't help that I am so submissive, and love to nbe controlled and hypnotized.

I Want To Have A Vagina

Actually, I NEED to have a vagina.  I don't think I was so sure that I would ever have one until I spoke with Mistress Alyssa last night.  Than all doubts faded away somehow.  I have actually started to experience the sensation of wind blowing up my skirt and feeling it on my vagina.  Feels so wonderful!  And I am also going through the experience of having delicious smoke from a cigarette surrounding my vagina and going up into my vagina.  Oh My God, the feeling is incredible!  So erotic!  I think questions of moving forward in my feminization might have been seeping up through the back regions of my mind where maybe still a small bit of male-self is holding up in; but Mistress Alyssa having me smoke a Virginia Slim 120 made those doubts go right back down into that little male-self.  My mind was in a cloud last night as I smoked 4 Virginia Slim 120s with Mistress Alyssa.  I was floating as I slipped on a silky magenta nylon nighty and quietly got into bed so as to not disturb the woman who I'm having trouble with still thinking of as my wife.  just the other day i was thinking that we would try to get closer again, but my girl self, Melinda Anne, is pushing that idea away as she wants to be more and more feminine without a wife.  This still troubles me some, but than I smoke a Virginia Slim 120, and I only feel sissy girl thoughts and desires.  I woke up at some point in the night, and there must have been a worry still there about keeping things going with the wife, and i put my pjs on over my nighty.  I thought for a moment about taking off my nighty and just wearing the pjs, but my girl-self very quickly prevented that from happening.  I had thoughts of going down to see if Mistress Alyssa was online, but I fell back asleep. 

I have been thinking of trying Albion (sp?)  as a way to make my mind even more receptive to brain washing by Mistress Alyssa, but I'm not knowledgeable completely on how Albien works.  Maybe I'll try to get some and see how it feels. 

Mmmmm, I have a sudden craving for a VS 120 Menthol.  These cravings seem to come more often lately.

I was actually thinking that maybe I couldn't become addicted to smoking, but maybe I am addicted.

I think my steps toward being totally controlled and transformed into a complete Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl owned by Mistress Alyssa have been smaller than Mistress Alyssa wants, but I can feel myself going down that road, one baby sissy step after the next.

The idea of taking hormones keeps popping up in my head. I guess that I know once I find a place to order them, and I do go ahead and order them, I won't be able to resist trying them once I get them, and than upping the amount I'm taking, and before I realize it, I will be hooked on them, and won't be able to stop taking them.  And as I am taking them, they will be changing both my body and my mind.  And soon, I won't be able to hide those changes, and I will HAVE to embrace being a complete girl.

So many things going on, and more and more I am just going with how Mistress Alyssa is guiding and molding me. 

Can I Trade Cotton Bedsheets For Satin?

Sometimes just letting things go for a while results in the best outcome.  I don't think I am ready to get divorced, but I have constant thoughts of living full-time as a girl.  My new bed would have pink or red satin sheets, I think.  Which I would slide so erotically on while I 'm wearing my nylon nightgown.  And of course, I would have some beautiful ash tray right next to my bed on my nightstand.  Will my bedroom furniture be shiny futuristic black and chrome, or will I have a very sissy pink, white and lacy decor?   MMmmmmm---so much Pleasure thinking about it. 

I don't even how I would do this.  And I need to have my cell phone connected to my Yahoo IM.  How will that work then?  Can't seem to think things through anymore.  I think Mistress Alyssa has taken over my mind too much---just seem to want to wait to be told what to do by her.

At The Cliff Of Committing To Living Completely As A Girl

Talked to wife the other night about making changes in our lives.  Could not tell her that I needed to commit to my transition completely into a girl.  She was not very receptive at all to changes that did not mean that I was going to act more like a husband and less like I was the wife.  She said that maybe I would need to move out if I needed to make different changes, although she couldn't understand what those changes could be.  And she is definitely not interested in anyone who would smoke.  I certainly didn't know what to say to all of this, so I went for a walk and lighted up a Virginia Slim 120.  After that I just felt calm and went to bed after I got home.  I am just having a hard time thinking of what to do from here.  I don't even know where I would go if wife kicked me out.  I'm not even sure how I would go about transitioning physically into a girl.  Maybe I need to take time out?

So Much Fun Driving In Heels

I didn't even notice myself putting my high heels in the 4Runner, but I for some reason did without even thinking about it.  And than as soon as I got into my SUV, I just had to take my ugly guy shoes off and slip on my pretty pink strappy heels.  They felt wonderful, especially after I had removed my mens socks and leaving just my silky shiny slippery nylons on.  Heels slip on so easily over nylons.  I couldn't help myself from sneaking little peaks at my feet and high heels as I drove.  I of course had to put my mens socks and shoes back on when i got to work, and later when I got home.  I don't know if it was leftover from wearing the heels, but I was noticing that I was completely dressed in silky girly lingerie and it felt so much PLEASURE! I think I even wanted people to notice I was wearing feminine underwear.  I wanted my jigglies to push out the front of my top.

And to distract me even more, my Virginia Slim 120s had me feeling like I was having an orgasm everytime i smoked one.  I was going into contortions while I was smoking because I was getting so much PLEASURE.  I went shopping at lunch, but only had a little time, so I just bought a couple of deliciously sweet nylon panties.  Light blue and pink.  I really need many more, and bras to go with them.  But, i need to get my Sissy Dress before i spend much more.  It will be easier to buy the many feminine silky satiny girly clothes that I need to be wearing after I dont need to account for money spent with anyone else.  I will just need to do what my Mistress Alyssa wants me to do.  My wife keeps telling me that we need to do more things together, but I think that maybe I should be looking to spend more time with Mistress Alyssa instead?  But, wife keeps pushing me and I am can't stop being just a little bit submissive to her...

Not As Girly and Sissy A weekend As I Wanted

Dear Diary,

Weekend went by and I just wasn't able to be the all-girl I craved to be.  Wife kept insisting on being with me most of the the time, and I wasn't able to dress, smoke, and act the Fetish Smoking Girl I wanted to develop more over the weekend.  Maybe she senses something is up and she wants to stop it.  Hard for me to think about her much anymore.  I just have Mistress Alyssa on my mind.  But wife was trying to get me involved with her.  I'm trying to remember if I had something with her, but is hard to think.  Snuck off for one of my 10 cigarettes and would just feel feminine and submissive then.  Wife says we need to go away for a week, and just be "ourselves."  Says we need the time away.

Feeling So Girly These Days

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I'm Being Overwhelmed By My Desires

What am I doing?!  It's crazy, but my irresistible desires to dress in silky slippery feminine girl clothes, to smoke delicious smokey Virginia Slim 120s, and to allow Mistress Alyssa to take over my thoughts and obey her are taking over.  I am beginning to actually think how I will become completely feminized into a complete girl. And everytime I start to feel doubts and to question what I am thinking and doing, I follow Mistress Alyssa's directions to pull out a Virginia Slim 120 and get lost in feelings of being submissive and feminine as I inhale the hypnotic creamy white smoke deep inside me.  And all my doubts are completely forgotten.  I do still think sometimes that I need to really think about all of this, but everytime I try, Mistress Alyssa's thoughts push aside all my thoughts and program me to completely accept my transition into complete womanhood.  And increasingly being a girl is all that matters.  I stayed home today just be be girly and smoke.  It feels so natural now to wear feminine silky lingerie.  I can't think of wearing guys underwear anylonger.  How much longer before my shirts are substituted by silky blouses with my lacy bra and slip showing through the silky sheerness of the blouse.  I don't know if it is possible anylonger to even slow these desires down, let alone stop them!

This Girl Has Been Busy

Too busy!  Spent the day in Palm Springs yesterday.  Wasn't all that bad temperature---about 104, with a breeze.  Wish i could put on a girl bathing suit! Maybe next trip.  Going out to Orange County today.  Maybe I'll see my T-Girl friend.

Updating My FetLife Profile

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I've Been A Naughty Girl

I've been so naughty---not writing everyday in my diary here!  I love to write in it but always seem busy and not convenient when I think of it.  And been tired at night.

I want to order my shiny satiny girly Sissy Dress, Sissy Collars, and Minchers from Birch Place, but I need to put some more money.  I do look at them and all i can think of is how much I want to be wearing them all.  I need to show Mistress Alyssa myself wearing them.  I NEED to be wearing them.  I belong in a sissy dress and wearing a Sissy Slavegirl Collar.  I have to be careful when I pull up the pages on them in Birch Place, as I am mesmerized and just start seeing myself wearing them and nothing else matters.

Have been talking to a nice TS lady----just friends.  But, we are thinking about meeting to talk about girl stuff.  I might be able to dress at her place.  She also said that she can probably get me hormones, and if I'm interested set me up with a doctor.  She just recently got back from having her SRS.  I want to hear more about that.  Having a vagina sounds wonderful.

Smoking more although I still hide it from my " roommate."  The Virginia Slim 120 Menthols are sex to me---even better.  Feel so feminine and submissive smoking those long beautiful white cigarettes.

Maybe take off some days soon.  Been working a lot of hours.  Need to spend more time with my Mistress Alyssa.  I wonder how many of my smokey treats I could smoke with her?!

Need To Take The Next Step

Couldn't stop myself.  Was running late on the way home from work, but had to stop at Target for a measuring tape.  Just kept thing, "I need to take the next step."  And I felt so girly today.  I was so silky under my men clothes.  Silky camisole, mmm a nylon bra that held my jigglies so firm, nylon sheer panties---where my sweet vagina should be showing through, and nylon hose pullups.   mmmm I was such a woman and no one knew---too bad.  And I kept craving a delicious yummy Virginia Slim 120 Menthol.    mmmmmmmmm.  And now I need to go to Birch Place and order the so silky shiny satiny sissy girl dress, the sissy minchers which will lock me into sissyhood, and the 2 Sissy Collars showing i am owned completely by Mistress Alyssa.  And locks so Mistress Alyssa can keep me in my sissy clothes as long as she wants.  And I keep thinking that I need to start taking hormones.  They will trap me permanently in femininity.  I am ready for my next step.

Went Driving In A Dress

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i am a girl and need to become a complete woman

having to deal with car issues from the accident when i should be working on ordering my satin sissy dress, my mincers, and my sissy collar from birch place.  Expensive deductible on car and still problems.  Delaying get the things i really need---like my girly things.  And I have been walking around in a daze.  Smoked 10 delicious mind dazing Virginia Slim 120 cigarettes yesterday.  The long white feminine cigarettes hypnotize me and all i feel is sexy submissive femininty and just a feeling of wanting to show that.  Brother in law still with us, and that makes it difficult.  But, urge to show my femininty so strong that i was letting a long lacy slip hang out just a little from the bottom of my shorts when he was around.  Not sure he noticed.  I am having such a compulsion to show my girl self. And now, even strong thoughts of starting hormones.  Where Am I Going?  Is this all getting too crazy??!!!

Woke Up Thinking About A Virginia Slim 120

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Car Accident

As if things couldn't get worse.  Had car accident a couple of days ago.  Ok, but car in shop a while.  Been car challenged.  And will have expensive deductible.  Was getting ready to order things from Birch Place, but money a bit short.  I am mesmerized by the shiny lacy things as I stare at their pictures...  I need to be dressed in them.  But, having to deal with other things.  Not sure where I'm going with things.  I think that i am still attracted to women.  I think about sucking a cock, but I'm not attracted to men---at least I dont think I am...

Just Awful News

Dolores told me she has another job and will be leaving.  I feel so alone.  She was a good friend.  One I could share my girl self and my smoking with.  Now I have no one.  I can't even go home and have my wife hold me.  I am so upset.  Feeling so down and not sure what I should do next.

Completely Girl Underneath

Having been wearing complete set of lingerie undernearth my Boy clothes at work.  Satiny bra, nylon panties, silky cami, nylon hose, a garter (sometimes pantyhose).  I feel so much a girl.  Almost feel silly putting on guy clothes over.

Not much computer time here lately.  Wife around too much, and she seems determined to keep me involved with her.  Not sure what to think about that.

I realize that I think i am still attracted to women.  I find them pretty and maybe its just that I want so much to look and be like them.  Not really attracted to guys most of the time.  Maybe i'mnot Gay?

Need to order my Sissy things from Birch Place.  But, still working on sizing and setting up PayPal.  Anyone know how to do that?

Keep going back to the In House Pharmacy site to look at their female hormones.  Not sure I can do that.  Would be wonderful to have my Jigglies grow even more, to have soft skin, and feel even more feminine.

Dolores was not around last couple of days.  Think she took some time off.  I got a little lax on my smoking.  Enjoy it so much when i do smoke, but not to point -yet- that I have to smoke.  I want to practice more smoking like a girl so I can make my Mistress Alyssa happy with me.

I'm Pregnant

It felt sooo wonderful having Mistress Alyssa's cock go deep into my vagina.  It felt incredibly good!  And she released her love juices in me, and I immediately knew she had impregnated me.  It felt so wonderful being pregnant.  I am such a girl!  Except the morning sickness.  That wasn't fun.  My tummy got so big.  And my boobs engorged with milk.  I did enjoy a lot of different eats!  Pickles and ice cream!  mmmmmmm.   And than I went through child birth.  I am truly a woman now. 

Told Dolores I'm A Girl

Told Dolores at work a couple of days ago that I'm a Transgendered woman.  She gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek.  She told me that she felt that was wonderful.  She said that she knew I was really a girl.  She asked me if I was on hormones yet.  I told her that I really han't gotten very far with it yet.  We enjoyed a couple of cigarettes together to celebrate.  I had my Virginia Slim 120s Menthol, and Dolores had Eve 120 Menthols.  I think I shocked myself and have felt a bit weird the past few days thinking that maybe I have gone too far.  What will Dolores be thinking I will do next?   What am I thinking i will do next?  I start thinking that I have to fulfill the role now?  Have I crossed a line?  Well, it's No Panty Wednesday today, so I need to figure out what to wear.  Had trouble connecting up the computer the last couple of days.  A problem with the router I think.  I think I buried myself in work to try to avoid thinking too much about where I'm going with my feminization.  I know I have an order pending with Birch Place for all my new things, and I NEED more new things now---clothes, hormones?  My head is in a tizzy.  And i haven't talked to Mistress Alyssa in a couple of days.  I am feeling withdrawals.  Well, must go for now.

I Love Writing About My melinda self

It feels so sweet and girly to talk about my melinda girl self here.  But, a girl always loves to write in her diary I guess.  I need to write more often because I feel so wonderful while I'm writing.  And I love smoking a Virginia Slim 12 Menthol cigarette while I'm writing.  I didn't like the menthol at first, but now I'm loving it.  I am able to inhale it so much deeper and hold the delicious smoke in longer.  I have gone back to the Virginia Slim 120 Regulars a few times, but the Menthols just keep popping up in my thoughts, and I want to have one.

I am getting ready to order some Sissy clothes from Birch Place (Shop).  MMMMMMM.  Going to order a mini Satin Sissy Dress, Frilly Collars, and Mincing Ribbons.  I will LOVE wearing them all.  And they all have locks!  Not sure how I'm going to work that.  But I am a Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl now for my Mistress Alyssa, so I want to wear all while smoking for her.

I think I should be soon making another step in my transformation process.  Not sure what that will be, but I want to keep becoming more a sissy girl for my Mistress Alyssa.  I am completely consumed with thoughts of her now, and want to immerse my life with hers.

Still Under Mistress Alyssa's Control

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Slipping Out Of Town

I have to meet some relatives in Las Vegas for a few days.  Should be fun, but interrupts my tasks that I need to do.  I need to buy a sissy dress and cololar to wear to show how much a sissy girl I am for my Mistress Alyssa.  I will love wearing a sissy dress and collar and smoking Virginia Slim 120 Menthols for my Mistress.  I feel more and more girly, and I am less and less afraid to show everyone how girly I am.  I know a lesbian at my work that i want to tell that I am a transgendered girl.  i have started smoking with her, and i think she thinks I'm a closet gay.  I do want to suck cock, but I think I really want to smoke Mistress's cock.  Sometimes the need to suck Mistress Alyssa's cock is so strong is the only way to satisfy the craving is to smoke a cigarette.  Smoking has become like sex for me.  I get soooo much PLEASURE taking a drag off my Virginia Slim 120-----mmmmm.  And I didn't even smoke, what 6 months ago?!  How did all this happen?!  My thoughts are somewhat jumbled a bit these days.  I'm in a cloud of thinking about dressing, smoking and obeying.    I will try to get back here before I leave for Vegas.

I know Chloe wants to write here, but I'm holding her off for a little later.

I am using this new format for Goggle.  Hope it is working?

Need To Show My Girly Self

Took a vicodin and didn;t wake up last night.  Had lots of girly dreams although.  Felt SO girly this morning.  I might wear a blouse today---I have one that isn't too girly that I can get away with at work.  Just need to be dressed as the girl I am.  Not sure why I need to do that so bad this morning.  Of course, wear a silky cami and lacy bra underneath.  I keep having thoughts about moving out to live as a smoking girl all the time.  Feeling the NEED to do this.  Thinking of sucking cock, too.  Can't ask Dolores about that because she wouldnt know anything about that! Lol.  Maybe I can start wearing bits of make-up too.  I will bring my pink cigarette case with me today.  I know I will want to take it out to look at it a lot, so than I will of course  have to smoke.  Haven't been smoking much lately, but I am craving them more now.  Just taloking about them makes me want to smoke a delicious Virginia Slim 120 now.  I think I need to buy a pack of VS 120 menthols today.  They get into my head more than just the regular ones.  Wish i could stay longer, but should get going now.

No Panties Wednesday

Need to figure out my wardrobe today.  Mmmmmmm and I feel so girly today.  Wish I could wear that Sissy Dress Mistress Alyssa picked out for me.  Well, more on that later.  Gotta go.

Controlled By The Dress

As I pulled my silky sheer, slippery feminine girl clothes out, with the intent of getting rid of everything, it was like holding the power ring of Lord of The Rings in my hand.  They took control of me.  I needed them.  I wanted them on me.  Even though they put everything else in jeopardy, I could not rid myself of them.  I felt guilty for not purging them as i had planned to do, but I put them back in their keeping places.  And as I put them back, I felt the craving to wear them, to have them, to give in completely to becoming all girl become even stronger.  The addiction is greater than it was before and my will is not strong enough to fight that addiction.  I feel the desire to give in completely---to wear these clothes more and more and eventually only them.  And I think of the craving to smoke and I realize how much i now love the taste on menthol cigarettes.  I had been thinking that menthol was not for me but I can feel the craving to smoke them all the time.  The craving is even stronger than my other Virginia Slim 120s.  I could smoke 2 packs a day instead of just the 1 pack that i was thinking I would eventually smoke because the menthol are twice as easy to smoke.  And i think of my Mistress Alyssa and how I must obey her.  I need to become her sissygirl slavegirl.  I need to wear her sissy collar to show that she owns me.  That i am permanently and completely her submissive sissy.  I need to look for a sissy collar.  I can't but think where I will go next now that i could not purge my femme clothes and femme self.  That the cravings for them proved stronger them my will and decision to quit my process and practice of femin ization and sissification.

Purge?

Wife found a pair of my pantyhose in our bedroom.  I told her must have been one of our guests we had over and just got mixed in with some blankets or something.  Not sure if she believed it.  I had a reaction to just end all of my feminization---to throw away all my girl clothes.  I actually thought about doing that, but I love my silky feminine things so much.  I am waiving on what to do. 

Palm Springs

Was out to Palm Springs today.  Wish I had been there for the transgender contingent of the Gay Pride Weekend, but was actually out there for the ABBA "cover" group/band at a casino.  I so wanted to be one of the girls in the band.  So feminine and pretty, and wearing satiny shiny 70's mini dress.  Got to see a lot of other girls smoking in the casino which made me feel very girly too.

Smoked my first Virginia Slim 120 menthols on Friday.  Not sure I like them as much as the VS regulars.  The menthols do seem stronger, and I got dizzy from them.  I did smoke about 10 of them on Friday, and I could taste them all day.  It was wonderful talking to my Mistress Alyssa on Friday, whom I had not spoken to in a couple of days.  Some guests around had made it difficult to  get on the computer.

I am still working out finding a PO Box to get mail and mail order clothes and other girly things (Hormones, etc).  Having to get taxes done has also complicated time concerns.

Wife has been nicer lately.  Maybe she senses I was pulling away, and she wants to get back closer again.  Not sure how I feel about that.  But, I just have to look at myself in the mirror wearing something femme, or even sit down with a Virginia Slim 120 and let the submissive girly feelings wash over me and all I can think of is that I am Mistress Alyssa's fetish smoking sissy girl and I want to eliminate everything in myself except my girl self.  Smoking has become sex to me, and I don't know if I need or even want it anymore with my wife.  When I smoke, I just get so much pleasure and just want to be the sissy girl I am.  But, do I push further into my sissification and feminization?  Do I try and stay where I'm at right now and kind of live a double life?  I know my wife would like to pull me back to being her husband, but I'm not sure that I can be that anymore.  Have I gone to far in having melinda take over?   I am so addicted to dressing now could I really stop doing it?  Am I addicted to smoking now too?  And could I not obey my Mistress Alyssa, who I am feeling a need of wanting to wear her sissy collar and serve her completely?!  How far is Mistress Alyssa going to take me in my feminization and sissification?  I don't have any answers right now.

Relatives Staying Over

Wife's relatives staying at house.  Makes things awkward.  Hope they leave soon.  Arm bothering me again. Want it to go away!  Got a new garter (black).  Sexy and feminine.  Maybe wear for No Panties Wednesday.  Have a meeting that day.  Need to be discreet and keep my girl colors from flying too high---I think...  Hard because i love showing off my girly self!  Bought some new nylons, but they are too coarse.  I want the silky smooth ones.  Need a PO Box!!!  So I can order the right things! (maybe even girl hormones?).  So many girly frilly satiny dresses that I could get!  Saw a new "Smoke" shop nearby.  Need a new silver cigarette case.  Ran out of cigarettes the other day.  Not smoking so many, but I do love them.  Still have not tried the menthol.  Dolores tells me that they are more addictive because you take the delicious creamy smoke deeper inside you and hold it longer.  She says that she goes back and forth between regular and menthol.  Maybe not smoking enough lately.  Been dreaming of sex with women!  Thinking how pretty and sexy they are.  But, maybe thinking about how i want to be?  I do love dressing!  Have been fantasizing about sucking cock, taking its juices all the way in me; and having a man pump my rear pussy with his rock hard cock.  Need to run---probably one of my wife's relatives getting up soon.  Wish I was changing from a silk nighty to a satin sissy dress and adjusting my sissy slavegirl collar.

Went Skiing Today- Wanted to wear Girl Ski Clothes

Spent a day up in the mountains skiing today.  Looked at the girl skiers and wanted to have their butts in tight ski pants, my boobs spilling out over the top of bibs. 

Dear Diary

Was a very girly No Panty Wednesday.  Just because it felt so natural to be girly.  I can't tell where I'm going or where I will end up, but so often in a bit of a daze that it doesn't really seem to matter.  Losing interest in working, in paying attention to my wife, and all the things which used to be my life.  More and more I just want to wear something silky and feminine; and to see how girly I can become.  And of course, becoming an addicted sissy smoking girl.  Paying attention to how i smoke--- how to hold my cigarette, looking feminine and sexy doing it. And talking to my Mistress Alyssa.  Those are the things that have become important to me.  I might need to retire and get divorced soon the way I am going. 

Acting Like A Girl At Work

I was such a girly at work today.  I couldn't help myself.  Swishing my hips, holding my arms out, crossing my legs.  I don't usually see a lot of people, but one woman I see a bit and we have hit it off is, unusually enough, a lesbian.  She told me today that it is about time I came out!  She said that she always knew I was Gay.  I told her that I didn't think I was gay, but maybe transgendered.  Dolores told me that she could tell that I was very feminine and that I really belonged with a man, not with my wife.  She said that it was very right that I had stopped wearing my wedding ring.  Dolores said that maybe she could find a male friend to fix me up with.  I tried to tell her that no, I didn't want to date a man, but somehow I couldn't get anything out. 

I didn't get much work done today, as i kept feeling a craving to be smoking a delicious Virginia Slim 120.  I don't know if I smoked half a pack today, but I think i might have.  Dolores told me that as much pleasure as I seemed to be experiencing smoking and inhaling that creamy white smoke, that I would soon be a 2-pack a-day smoker.  Dolores said that I already looked like a slave to cigarettes.  She said that I should try the VS 120 menthols because they are smoother and you can take the smoke in deeper and hold it.  The addiction becomes even stronger she said.  I think she does 2 packs a day, although i don't see her all the time. 

I talked to Countessa of Countessa's Closet today.  She was sooo sweet.  Called me Baby Girl.  She said that she would love to do my make-over.  She said that she has a wonderful shop in Studio City, even that she gets movie stars who come in.  She says that all her practioners at the shop at t-girls except her and one other genetic female.  She says that she knows many doms and works with doms and their subs often.  She that there are many t-girl activities that take place from the shop---going out to dinner, clubs (Oil Can Harry's). Countessa said that she has lots of femme clothes that she sells at the shop---many many more than what are shown on her web-site.  She said she would love to talk to my Mistress. 

Well it is time to slip into my nylon Baby Doll nighty for bed.  Wife still might be awake so i must put on my male pjs over my sweet silky erotic nighty.  Good night all.  I might see if i can wake up later and see if i can find my Mistress Alyssa.  I love her so much and want to be her girl more and more.

Didn't Get To Smoke VS 120 Methols Yet

Came downstairs with my new Virginia Slim 120s Methols to smoke with my Mistress, but wife came down too, so didn't have the chance.  Although I'm very excited to try out the new type, I'm holding off trying them until i can smoke them with Mistress.

Was a cleaning day today.  Not much time to dress or smoke.  Booo Hoo Hoo.

I found a feminization transformation service up in Los Angeles.  It is Countess's Closet (ph: 818.763.9806).  I should probably have Mistress decide on how they are going to make me look.  Also, In-House Pharmacy  appears to be a very good place to order hormones from.  I feel like I am getting to a point where i should slow down this transformation i am going through, and try to think about what i am doing, but i can't seem to.

Smoking has become so PLEASURABLE to me.  I want to smoke more and more.  I keep telling myself, although, i am not addicted to cigarettes.  I have started to have cravings for them, but not all the time.  I could refuse them, if i wanted to.

Menthol vs Regular

I have been smoking the Virginia Slim 120 Regulars, but I wonder if I should also give the Virginia Slim 120 Menthol a try.  Thank god I'm off tomorrow.  Hope I can move forward in my feminization.

What Is Happening To Me??!!

I think I had something in mind to say, but suddenly it was more important to light up... a delicious feminine sexy Virginia Slim 120.  Mmmmmmmm whooooosh feel so nice.  I am Mistress Alyssa's fetish smoking sissy girl and i want to be even more of one.  What else could i have been thinking?  I have become obsessed in learning to hold and smoke a cigarette like the sissy smoking girl I am.  I am trying to look to see how the other girls do it, but I want to do everything as my Mistress decides I should.  Eventually it will become automatic I think.    I had to take Vicodin for my arm, and it was so nice because I think it made the cigarettes even more addicting and blissful, and made me ready to give up everything and anything for my Mistress Alyssa.  Maybe I should take that Albion to help brainwash me even further.  I hear that the female hormones also help you become very submissive, and as they change you, you love being a girly sissy.  I think that david deep inside might have been trying to pop out but those creamy clouds of cigarette smoke push him back deeper and deeper.  I don't want to wear cotton anymore---I love chiffon next to my sweet silky skin.    Maybe I should be wearing a harem girl outfit because I am surely Mistress Alyssa's sissy slavegirl.
 

Wasn't Planning To Shop Tonight

After a dreamy No Panty Wednesday, I was just going to head home.  But, hardly realizing it I pulled off the freeway a couple of ramps early on my way home from work. I just had to buy 3 bras!  A black one, a red one, and a white one.  I headed into Wal-Mart, and found the bras.  Since I was wearing one, it felt very right to me to be buying more.  Especially since I have been feeling such a strong compulsion to wear a bra more and more.  I found a black one, and a white one, but for some reason, I knew I should be getting a red one and I couldn't find one in my size (42-44 C).  I was frantic, but I really didn't have time to go anywhere else.  I felt a little better when it came to me as I was already out of the store that I already have a red bra, although I would have bought a new one if I had found one.  I have a feeling that I will be needing more bras.  I also looked for Brandy colored lipstick, but could find that either.  I think I wanted to strike up a conversation with the woman check out lady, but she didn't seem interested.  I know i still have more shopping to do.  I need more nylon hose and pantyhose, and I only have a couple of camis.  And I want to wear the dresses. 

I didn't quite have the overwhelming craving to smoke as I did yesterday, nor those waves of feeling feminized sweep over me like they did yesterday, but I thought about how much I wanted to have my mind totally wiped clean and have all my thoughts replaced with Mistress Alyssa's.  I want Mistress Alyssa to so alter me both mentally and physically that all there is is Mistress Alyssa's fetish smoking sissy girl.

Mistress Alyssa Is In My Mind

As I got dressed this morning after a delicious smokey treat Virginia Slim 120 and listening to my Mistress Alyssa, I felt like a business woman as I put on a camisole, a bra, panties and panty hose.  An I needed to put on a silky blouse and A-line skirt and pumps.  I wanted my lacy cami to show through silky sheer material, and my nyloned legs being caressed by the hem of my skirt.   During the day, I felt the feminine and erotic feeling of my slippery silky cami slipping over my bra, and I adored the sensation.  At different times of the day, I would slip into a state of bliss as I heard Mistress Alyssa telling me to light up a cigarette.  And I slipped out enough to smoke 8 cigarettes.  Mmmmmm, I enjoyed my smokes sooo much.  I could find my mind starting to think about having a smoke, and in a few moments I was  giving into what was a craving to have a tasty smokey treat.  And I kept hearing Mistress Alyssa whispering to me, and I felt my clity getting hard from feeling her words even though i couldn't understand her words.  But, I found myself chanting, Good girls obey, I am a good girl, i obey at different times during the day throughout the day.  I felt so wonderful saying those right words.  So right for me now. 

Surrendering To Craving For Smokey Treat

Was just about ready to run out the door, and my thoughts about a delicious Virginia Slim 120 turned into a CRAVING.  Normally, I would have just ignored it, but I found that my mind just shut down and I am sitting here greatly enjoying a smoke on a Virginia Slim 120.  I simply had no resistance to the desire to smoke a cigarette RIGHT NOW.  I sit here thinking about a number of other things, including how far into bliss the anal plug helped push me into.  I need to do that more often.  And, of course the beautiful picture of my alluring Mistress Alyssa.  But, my mind is telling me that it really wouldn't matter what Mistress looks like---I am so far under her control now, that I will obey her and love her and want to be owned by her however she appears.  I will see what she wants me to see, do what she wants me to do, become whom she wants me to become.  I biggest desires are to become completely a girl and to serve Mistress Alyssa as her fetish smoking sissy girl and i will do everything that i need to do to accomplish those things. 

Sweet Dreams Of My Mistress Alyssa

Woke up feeling so feminine in my silky nylon baby dolls.  What a girly I am.  And so loving that I am.  Slept too late.  Need to go to work.  I should just retire and be Mistress Alyssa's fetish smoking sissy girl full-time.  I could serve her every need and want while wearing a satin frilly sissy dress and her sissy collar. MMMMMMMMMMMMMm.  Wanted to see my Mistress this morning, but i slept too late.  Dreamed seeing the picture of Mistress Alyssa. I was mesmerized by her picture.  I just felt so in love with her.  i want to be her submissive sissy girl forever. And i think it may happen.

P L E A S U R E

I didn't know how much PLEASURE smoking sweet feminine Virginia Slim 120s would give me.  Especially dressed in my matching silky polyester red blouse and long skirt, while under the complete control of my Mistress Alyssa.  And than waves of pure ecstasy from my anal plug moving in and out of my rear pussy.  My mind became completely melted.  I think I knew that I wanted Mistress Alyssa to turn me into a complete girl.  I just didn't know how much bliss being Mistress Alyssa fetish smoking sissy girl I would be overwhelmed by.  After I said good bye to my Mistress tonight, I could barely leave.  I wanted be there all night smoking and being a girl while under the control of Mistress Alyssa.  I knew i needed to go to bed, but nothing else existed but smoking, being dressed, and being with Mistress Alyssa.  I know I wanted to be changed and Mistress Alyssa has changed me.  And now I face going further into becoming completely a girl, completely Mistress Alyssa's fetish smoking sissy girl. 

The Girl I Am Today

Was all girl today.  Well, I did not show all when I went out today, but perhaps with Mistress Alyssa's guidance, even that will happen. I did some shopping although I admit that I did go take a nap in my nighty after a wonderful talk with Mistress Alyssa this morning.  I could not find a dress I want, but I do have a few to wear.  Enough for a weekend, but will need more when I dress fully as a girl more often (more and more).  I got some lipstick, but not sure it is right one.  I should have looked when I was at the mall, but i forgot and had to resort to stopping by Rite Aide.  I 'm sure Mistress Will have me getting some more.  Have not yet tried wearing it.  I have painted my finger nails with clear polish.  They are so shiny and pretty now.  I did smoke more Virginia Slim 120s today also.  I think I smoked too many before lunch as I wasn't interested in food, just another smoke and I was getting a headache from no food.  i should have a delicious Virginia Slim 120 right now.  So heavenly to just be sleeping in a nylon nighty tonight.  Have also been listening to a lovely recording Mistress sent to me.

Need To Do More Shopping

I wasn't the best girl I should have been today.  I did dress very girly- bra, panties, cami nylons---mmm I was floating on a pink cloud all day.  I felt more committed to being a girl today.  Im slipping further into the NEED to wear silky feminine things.  Usually dont have to work late if at all on Fridays, but had some meetings today.  Kept my jacket on to hide my lacy cami and the outline of my bra.  Popped a bra strap----mmm.  Need more bras if Im going to be wearing them all the time.  Worked too late to shop although i was very strongly feeling the need to shop.  I guess I'll wear my white dress or maybe another tomorrow morning and see were I am guided into doing from there.  I craved my Virginia Slim 120s today, but I dont think I smoked as many as 10.  But, I think I maybe coming along in my addiction to smoking.  At times of the day, I felt a real need to smoke.  At least at this point, I can push away the craving and put the need to smoke a cigarette out of mind.  Not sure if that will true anylonger after this weekend if I keep increasing my smoking.  There is a guy who wanted me to come over to his house dressed as a girl and to suck his cock.  But I dont think my Mistress Alyssa wants me to do this, and also he is against smoking.  I have vague recalkl---that is starting to slip away, that I was once very much against smoking too.

I Was So Girly Today

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I'm A Girl

I'm a girl now.  But, the question is "how much of a girl will I become?"  I love that I am a girl, and I would never go back to being a guy, if I ever was a guy.  But, how far down the road of girlhood will I travel?  People have already started to wonder if I'm gay.  I often cant stop acting feminine.  I was swaying my hips today---maybe because I was feeling like I had a big butt.  But, how much further am I going to change?  Will I take hormones.  Start wearing lipstick and mascara all the time?  I went to buy two cigarette cases today after work.  I'm not sure why I picked today after work, but I felt the irresistible urge to go buy the smoke shop and buy the cigarette cases.  I picked a silver case, but i saw as i pulled out my Virginia Slim 120s that it was too short and there was not a silver case long enough for them.  Well, I knew I needed another cigarette case for my Mistress Alyssa so i bought a pretty pink case.  I still need to find a silver one for me.

Need To Get Ready For Next Weekend... And Beyond

I will be living as the fetish smoking sissy girl i am the entire next weekend so i need to have a few things.  I want to have 3 new silky, slippery feminine dresses to wear.  Not sure yet where I will get those.  Maybe look at the Roamans shop in the mall.  I also need another pair or 2 of the really silky nylons.  Got some the other day at Wal-Mart but they are a bit coarse---not smooth and silky like I want on my feminine legs.  Also need another anal plug.  I had a good one but got thrown away and I dont love the one I still have.  Last time a cute guy at the shop helped me find one that penetrates to give me feminine pleasure but wasnt so big to be painful.  Thought I had a shop in Temecula to go to but it was closed.  There is still one, but it is more for couples---I think I need a store that caters more to the gay clientel.  I got some panties, although a girl can always use more.  I want another bra, and Wal Mart i think has some that would be good for me.  Oh- yes---and i need make-up- and lipstick.  I got advice to put on some makeup on my lips before putting on the lipstick to keep the color of the lipstick from sinking into my lips and permanently dying them?  I don't know if I'm yet ready for permanently red lips---am I?  Maybe soon.  And a wig!  I might need to order one, but I really need a PO box I think.  But maybe something before then.  Was kept busy the last few days---more reason to think I should be living by myself.  Oh well, my will has gotten so weak, hard to make any decisions myself.  Like I'm just waiting to be told what to do.  Wife does that and have been more appeasing to her even, because I am so submissive now, but I can feel that it is not her who should be controlling me.  Smoking my Virginia Slim 120s more, but not up to half a pack like my Mistress Alyssa has told me I will be doing.  Just holding back a little, but I know I will be there eventually.  I loved smoking with her last time sooooo much.  I was in a complete state of blisss taking those deep drags of the creamy smoke into me and holding in as my mind just melted.  It was completely sex to me.  Maybe I am scared that the only thing left of my former self would completely be dissolved if I give into more smoking.  We will see this coming weekend because I could be smoking the entire weekend which should be enough to completely entrench me as a smoker.

Can't Stop Pushing Toward Becoming More Fewminized, More Sissified, And an Addicted Smoker

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to think that really nothing is happening to me and I'm not becoming more and more feminized, not turning into a sissy, and not increasingly becoming addicted to smoking.  But it is seeming that all I want to do are things that will make me more that way.  My strongest focus has become to do things that will make me increasingly feminized, more a sissy, stronger and stronger smoking addiction, and totally bound to my Mistress Alyssa.  I think there is still a little bit of me that holds onto the belief that I will at some point stop all of this.  But, I can also feel melinda trying to make changes that will feminize me past the point of no return.  Make changes that are irreversible.

I tried to do some shopping today for femme things at Fashion Blvd., in Garden Grove because I had read on the internet that it was a good place for a cd to shop.  Although they had some silky dresses I really liked, they didn't have much for cds.  Shopping for mail order/online is starting to seem like a better and better idea.  I will be wearing a Lolita Dress that Mistress Alyssa picks out for me.  They also have wigs that might be right for me.  Maybe I should order some dresses and boots for my Mistress as well.

I watched Midnight In Paris, and not only did i find that I was enjoying the dresses on the women, I really enjoyed watching so many of the women smoke.  I was trying to copy the way the girls held their cigarettes without attracting my wife's attention. 

Reflecting on what I said earlier here---and I love writing here, it is my diary now, most of the things that i choose to do now are things involving my feminization, my sissification, my smoking fetish, or thinking about being hypnotized by Mistress Alyssa and brainwashed by her.  Those other things in my life are becoming less and less important.

Irresistible Late Night Run For Cigarettes

I was talking to my Mistress Alyssa, who is transforming me into her fetish smoking sissy girl forever, when I realized I was out of cigarettes.  I had smoked my last Virginia Slim 120 early in the day, and for some reason I don't understand, had not thought about buying a new pack.  But as I spoke with Mistress Alyssa, a craving to smoke a cigarette began to build up in me.  It wasn't long and I knew I had to have a cigarette, even though it was very late.  Mistress gave me permission to leave, although I was completely attached to her at this point and wanting to be with her so much.  But, I told my wife I really needed some cough drops and drove over to the neighborhood liquor store.  I think that the clerk probably thinks I'm gay at this point as I do swish more and more and I'm buying women's cigarettes.  I think I'm actually enjoying people thinking me gay now.  Although I don't know how I would react if another guy tried to hit on me.  But, i am now completely in love with Mistress Alyssa, so it doesn't matter.  Anyway---I got my cigarettes and smoked 3 of them outside in the parking lot.  Felt like a schoolgirl!

Mistress Alyssa and I did some virtual shopping together, I saw some of dresses that I will soon be wearing, and the dresses that Mistress might decide to wear.  Also some great boots.  I can't wait for us to buy somethings together.  I am mesmerized by the silky, satiny, slippery type material for dresses.  Can't decide if I need to try to get a PO Box or risk having things sent here.

I realized how far into feminization that I had gone last night, and how I am starting to think of ways to insure that this feminization and sissification is permanent and irreversible.  I love that I am a smoking sissy girl and I want to go even deeper into being one.  I am now addicted to smoking, dressing in femme, and obeying my Mistress Alyssa.

What Is Going To Be My Idenity?

As I browsed through dresses shown on the internet, I started to wonder what type of girl will I eventually become?  Will I end up in shiny frilly Sissy dresses and wearing a leather and lace Sissy Collar.  Or will I end up dressed in sophisticated silk dresses?  Or sheer silky blouses that my lacy bra shows though with a straight skirt with a satin lining?  You can see why I felt so strange as I was ordering men clothes from Lands End.  What wasa I doing?  I don't wear men's clothing anymore, do I?  Well, regretfully, I guess I do. 

I still have so much shopping to do.  I am conflicted.  There are some fabulous wigs online, but I have no where to send them to.  Also I could order some sexy Sissy Dresses.  I am seeing Jennifer Lopez on American Idol with a dress I should be in.  It is shiny turqois---high neck and long sleeves. 

Again---what type of girl am I going to be?  I have given into completely finally that I will be completely a girl. 

How Do I Remove Lipstick?

Had great fun doing some girly shopping.  I wore a silky sheer black blouse over a cami and bra and of course nylons and panties.  Thank goodness it was cool enough that wear a light jacket didnt look odd.  My boobies were pushed down although i really love to have them push way out from my chest.  Had fun looking at silky sheer things but really didnt buy much---yet.  Will need to make another trip.  Still need to find a wig.  Looked at cosmetics but felt so conspicuous there.  Got some red lipstick, but Im afraid  to put it on because I dont know how to remove it.  Or for that matter, other make-up too?  Can someone tell me.  I really need to learn.  I want to look very girly.  And soon, I want to visit my Mistress Alysssa.  I will be so girly for her, and I will be hypnotized and dress and smoke Virginia Slim 120s and suck her cock till I can't remember anything else.  Well, it's No Panty Wednesday, so I need to go figure out what to wear.  I do feel so girly when I write here, and the feeling is made even stronger as I'm enjoying right now smoking a sexy yummy Virginia Slim 120.  You know I am starting to miss not being under hypnosis.  It's like i'm craving to be in that state.  Is that possible?  I think I have an addictive personality.  My arm still hurts some, but I seem to be able to control the pain a lot just by focusing on turning the pain down.  I sometimes can do that too when i still feeling resistance to being the girl i know I am.  I think Im starting to act more and more like a girl.  I'll catch myself doing something girly, but then I'll be glad that I did that, even though a part of me is still thinking---David, what the hell are you doing?!  Not sure how much longer that voice will be there, but unfortunately it gets reinforcement by my male clothes and having a wife that treats me like a guy.  Not sure how much longer melinda will put up with those conditions!  And all of a sudden, I really want to wear a sissy collar!  What am I thinking!  That will really identify me!  I can't do that, can I?!  But the silky insidious feeling of wanting one---that I need to get one and to start wearing it keeps sliding into my thoughts.  Well, diary, I've perhaps talked too much, and for too long for sure.  So good bye my sweetie till another time.. 

Been Out Of It

Haven't been on the computer for a while.  Sleeping a lot, but dreaming of smoking and dressing and becoming a fetish smoking sissy girl.    Oh, hiya you all.  This is Chloe.  I have been so happy thinking about how much of a cock suckin gurl i is.  juz cant gett it out of my mind that look where im all the way down on a jusey hard cock ands i look up and see my man's so great look of being ins heaven. and feelin his balls againzt my chin.  Iz there anything better.  Or maibe except when he getz me down on my hands and knees and sticks that hard cock up my juicey pussy hole and woooaa tuz that feel soooo good.  Been meanin to gits sume more gurly things real soon, but juz seen no time.  Wish i waz livin as a gurl all the time.  Maybe soon.  I nneed to have my hsair real long and show off my real girly self with sum bright red lipstick---real shiny maybe.

mmmmm hi everyone.  Seemed to black out for a moment but i think im back---melinda.  Has been funny lately.  I feel very girly, but suddenly my libido seems to have cranked up in an odd way.  I am actually starting to look at other women again, and feel a strong attraction.  Not all, but some---particularly if they are smoking.  I'm not sure what is happening.  Been taking a lot of Vicodin (feel like I'm House!), so maybe my reality is getting warped.  I do feel a lot more dreamy a lot of the time.  Like I'm hypnotized.  I promise to come back later.  Need to do somethings but promise to push down the path toward sissy girlhood.

Still Hanging In There

Still not feeling completely well, but the weather is getting better and the Spring must be on the way.  I should start feeling more and more feminine with the nicer weather.  Wore my nylon nighty to bed for the first time in a while, and it felt so good.  Had some extra smokey treats after trying to keep that what is becoming an irresistible habit from taking me over.  Funny how those little white sticks can cuch.  But, than, I'm easy to control anyway.  Sorry haven't written much, but just not felt like writing.  After a smokey treat I will think about writing but as pain creeps up on me, i just want to lay down.  But feeling better and I know how much i want to be programmed by hypnosis to be only Mistress Alyssa's Fetish smoking sissy girl.  I love being a girl.

Smoking Is Sex

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No Panties Wednesday Almost Over

Trying to decide what to wear to bed.  Maybe a slip tonight.  I have to admit that I love wearing silky nylon or satin panties and actually miss them on No Panty Wednesday.  Watched House tonight on the DVR, and was thinking that I need to go see him to get rid of this abomindible cough.  Haven't been this sick in years.  Too tired to go shopping, but when I feel better, will through myself into getting all the girly things I need to make myself the girl i know i am.  Oh, by the way, if anyone else is actually reading this (my blog) feel free to comment.  I know this blog isn't nearly as exciting as some i see here, with photos and attachments, but I would still love to hear from anyone else.  I am really wanting to show everyone im a girl now.  Find myself wanting to let my bra be visible through my shirt, before i realize what im doing and cover up.  Not sure where im going with all of this.  I do know that i could easily just drift into full feminization.  I have such a fascination for bridal gowns.  I would just love to wear one---evfen just hold one.  I especially love the high neck, long sleeve gowns with lots of silky sheer material.  But, maybe that's another story.  Probably need to get some sleep.  Off this Friday I think, so maybe I can be girly that day, shop, and rest, and talk some to my Mistress Alyssa.  I know that guy will want me to come over in femme, but I would need to check with Mistress Alyssa about that.

It's No Panties Wednesday

As I'm getting dressed today, I'm thinking I want to get some sets of lacy bra, garters and panties to wear underneath as a girl like me should.  Of course, no panties today!  I realize that I really need a lot more girlie things.  Like new silky sheer nylons to put on my legs and attach to my garters.  Went to the doctor to get something for this nasty cough of mine yesterday, and was going to do more shopping, but took forever in there.  I think I could really use a mailing address with so many very girlie things available online.  I know a guy who really wants me for his girlfriend who would let me use his address, but I need to clear that with my Mistress Alyssa.  Also he would want to make love to me if i show up to his place in a skirt with bra and garters and nylons underneath.  I really need to be fucked, but Mistress might take care of that.

Getting To Point Of No Return

Was kind of a lost week and weekend.  Been fighting bad cold/cough and had a very painful nerve problem in my arm.  On top of that, work kept calling me in for things.  Took me off-line in my progress toward the sissification and feminization that I think I'm going through.  I had a talk with Mistress Alyssa that was so powerful, so intense, that I couldnt stop thinking about it.  I was smoking for her and I was in the grips of the most powerful sexual orgasm that I have ever had.  Was imprinted on my mind.  Had planned to go shopping for all the girly things I need, but called by work, and than wasn't feeling very well.  I dont think I could think for myself much beforethat, but having to rest a bit, I realized that I am moving forward into truly becoming a fetish smoking sissy girl---that the compulsion to dress, smoke, obey, and be a girl is taking over all my thinking.  I think that it was always at the back of my mind that at some point i would stop and walk away from this, but I'm not sure that I can anymore.  And soon, I have a feeling, I will be totally committed to the fetish smoking sissy life, and that I will have become irreversiably addicted to smoking, dressing, obeying, and acting like a girl.  Already Mistress Alyssa has replaced my wife in my thoughts of whom i love and want to be with.

Tired But Bonded To Mistress

Talked and felt so close to Mistress Alyssa last night. And even after talking with Mistress for quite a while, had strong compulsion to talk to her in middle of night.  So strong feelings of wanting to be close to Mistress all the time now.  Had dreams of being a complete girl----a vagina--no cock, breasts, round soft fanny, curves, soft skin, long shiny hair---no guy in me---all girl!  Tired today, but thought about Mistress, smoking, and dressing all day.  Wore nylon panties and polyester cami under my guy ---yuck --clothes, and snuck outside for a delicious Virginia Slim 120.  Although I am not right now smoking a lot of cigarettes, I know I am becoming addicted to them at my Mistress's direction, and will be smoking more and more.  I am also thinking of coming out as transgender so i can be a smoking girl all day at work.  May also need to leave wife so i can be more completely a fetish smoking sissy girl.  Have stopped wearing my wedding ring because it is a man's ring and i am a girl, and i feel like my marriage is no longer valid because i am a girl and i got married as a man---although my male memories are starting to fade to be replaced by my Mistress Alyssa's thoughts.  I am off work tomorrow, so I want to go shopping for all the girly things I need---a cute, long hair wig, lots of girly make-up, a new bra, lingerie, new stockings, and sexy girly high heels.  Also maybe a silky dress if i can find one and a sheer silky blouse. 

I Should Be talking To Mistress

I think I ran out the house and forgot that I was talking to my Mistress Alyssa.  I am her good girl.  I am a good girl, good girls obey, i obey

Smoking In My House

It has been weird the last few days.  I was chatting with Mistress, sitting at the kitchen table, when I heard my wife driving into the garage.  It startled me as I suddenly realized that I had a delicious Virginia Slim 120 in my mouth and I was holding a match ready to light up my cigarette. My wife doesn't know I smoke let alone that I would smoke in the house! I didnt even realize that i was about to lite up.   But, the craving for the smoke was wiping out all other thoughts, and it took all my will to close my laptop and run outside to smoke where my wife wouldn't see me.  I couldnt believe that I came that close to smoking in the house, even without wife being there.  I can't figure out what i was thinking....   But, the thought of smoking in the house does seem very, very nice.   .

Melinda- Business Woman

Went out of town on business trip.  Had fun but many things did not go as they should have gone for me.  Couldn't get a smoking room like I really wanted so I could have smoked with my Mistress Alyssa, and smoked much more often my delicious Virginia Slim 120s.  I did finally get to talk to my Mistress Alyssa, although I think I talked much longer than I remember.  Time just seems to disappear when I talk to my Mistress Alyssa.  I do feel sooo wonderful when i'm talking with her.  There is nothing better than being with her.  After we talked, I took off my silky nightie, which it felt so erotic to sleep in, and put on my silky magenta silky polyester long sleeve blouse and long skirt set.  I was just craving a smoke, and I could not resist running out the back of the hotel, since I dare not smoke in the room---although I almost did since the compulsion to light up was so very very strong.  I don't know what I was thinking but other than the NEED to smoke my sexy feminine Virginia 120s.  I didnt have wig or make-up on (which I have been feeling an almost equally strong compulsion to start wearing---but my only thoughts were that I am a smoking girl who needs to smoke her cigarettes in her skirt and blouse.  I was out back, and only a few persons passed near the area, but I dont think they paid me any attention.  Funny though, I think I wanted people to see me in my skirt and blouse (and bra with my jigglies).  I was enjoying myself so much I didn't even realize that I lit up another delicious Virginia Slim 120.  I was just finishing my second cigarette, when my cell phone went off, letting me know they wanted to meet for breakfast.  As much as I wanted to go dressed as the girl whom I am, I did run back to the room and change into yucky mens clothes.  I wanted very much to go back to the room after and call mjy Mistress Alyssa, but I got dragged off to meetings for the rest of the day.  I had left on nylon and panties and a cami and thigh high nylons, but I could not shake the constant thoughts that I needed to be wearing a dress.  One person I heard comment that someone in another department had come back to work as a transgender woman, and I was wishing that was me.  When I finally got back to my room, I found the wi-fi not working.  I was going to go down and check on a new password, and I fell asleep.  Seemed to have come down with a nasty cough, and sore throat that night.,  Even though it hurt some to smoke,  I did smoke some the rest of my time there, although I didnt go out dressed.  Slept in my nightie and sucked my thumb, which has become an irresistible habit, but had little time to dress as melinda should be dressed all the time.  Came home last night. 

As soon as I am over this cough, I want to see about getting a hotel room somewhere just to be melinda, Mistress Alyssa's Fetish smoking sissy girl.  I keep having thoughts of what it would be like to live as a full-time girl.

Part-Time Job

I'm looking for a part-time job.  Preferably one where I'm working as a T-Girl.  I know you are thinking well, why doesn't melinda have her Mistress Alyssa work me as her call girl.  I just don't think that Mistress wants to do that with me---at least not yet.  Maybe work in an adult book store?  Or a gay bathhouse, or maybe as a receptionist at a Transgender Clinic.  I might get an employee discount there!  I was thinking that I needed extra  money so that I could move out into my own separate place, but now it is seeming that my Mistress does not want me to do that. 

I really need to start wearing make-up.  I just feel that way!  Maybe  there is an Avon Lady out there who would help.  But, I need to start wearing it all!  I am a girl, and a girl wears make-up.

Going away on business for a few days.  Normally, I get to make my own hotel room arrangements, but this time they got  the room for me---youknow, cost savings crap!   I wanted a smoking room so that I could light up delicious Virginia Slim 120s while  I was dressed and in the room.  At  least I know I will be wearing a silky nightie to  bed for next few nights.  Speaking of bed, that is where I need to go now.  Bye.

Leaving Town

I am going out of the town for the weekend.  Wish I was going out to see my Mistress Alyssa, but unfortunately not.  I'm not even going to have opportunity to dress.  That is going to hurt, as I have become seriously addicted to dressing.  But, wife is insisting that we spend a weekend away together.  As I said, wish I could be going away with my Mistress.  I will sneak my silver case with delicious Virginia Slim 120s in them.  Think wife wants me to feel like her husband again, but I don't think I can feel that way any more.  I am a girl, not a husband.