My Smoking Girl Conditioning Is Permanent

I think I have been drifting a bit in my path toward complete feminization, sissification, and committment to become a totally cigarette addicted fetish smoking girl.  But, whenever Mistress Alyssa asserts herself over me, her control wipes out all other of my thoughts.  I feel even more committed to being transformed into a complete girl.  I enjoyed 10 Virginia Slim 120 Menthols today, and i might have 10 more.  I want to become at least a 1-pack a-day girl soon!

Has anyone else used or is familar with the Phoenix Project for hormones?  I registered with them, but not sure that they are "real" hormones, or just herbs.

Have loved talking to my sister Ali, and would love to see her videos.  I hear they are very, very good.

Can't Believe It's "No Panties Wednesday!"

And I just got back into wearing panties again!  It was great fun talking to my sister ali the other night.  The feelings of being a girl came right back to me talking to her.  I don't have any cigarettes.  I might just have to buy a pack today.  Have to decide what to wear today.  Hmmmm....

I Was A Soft, Silky Flower Today

Maybe it sounds silly, but I really felt this way today, as I was wearing silky lingerie, a creme colored polyester camisole with lace across the top, black smooth silky nylon pantyhose, and creme colored nylon panty briefs.  After wearing cotton guy boxers for a week and a half, being in girl undies just felt good.  I might have worn the boxers undershorts if I had not spoken to Mistress Alyssa in the morning, but as she spoke to me, the compulsion to dress got so strong---so irresistible.  And I had a delicious Virginia Slim 120, which I had not smoked in 1and a half weeks.  I only had 2 cigarettes left, after smoking the 1---I had thrown a pack away before leaving on my trip.  I felt guilty as I left, as I had promised myself not to smoke anymore---but I immediately regretted throwing those 2 VS 120 Menthols away, as the feeling of smoking was soooo good this morning.  The thought of going out and buying a package of Virginia Slim 120 Menthols kept popping up in my thoughts all day.  But, I didn't because i would just stare at my pink cigarette case all day and crave a smoke.  Funny---as I had given them not a lot of thought while I was away.  I have been looking at the girly pink cigarette case thinking of those long white slender feminine cigarettes that sweep away all my male thoughts and make me feel how submissive and girly I really am.    Maybe i need to buy a pack soon.  Where am I going to go from here??  Am I going to dress tomorrow, or put my girly desires behind me and go back to my cotton boxers?  I do have my boxers at the top of my underwear drawer, with nylon panties underneath them.  I just need to avoid looking at, or touching the panties when I reach in for my boxers.

Been Traveling

Sorry my Dear Diary.  Have been traveling and out of state for almost a couple of weeks.  I was living as a guy again, as it was impossible to bring my girl clothes with.  Also didn't smoke!  Was this all crazy.  Am I back to living as a guy, or was this a temporary thing?  I could still feel the NEED to smoke and dress, all the while I wasn't.  The craving to weakened some, and maybe this is a point that I can stop smoking and dressing??  I do know I am a girl, and that I will always be a smoker even if I don't smoke.  And I looked up the Sissy Dress from Birch Place and I was hypnotized by it until I could click off it.  I am in a cotton t-shirt, cotton boxer shorts, and cotton cargo shorts right now, but my thoughts keep going to the slippery silky feel of polyester, nylon, silk, or chiffon....  I'm trying not to think about those things.  And I know I will always love Mistress Alyssa so much and want to obey her.  I can't help that I am so submissive, and love to nbe controlled and hypnotized.

I Want To Have A Vagina

Actually, I NEED to have a vagina.  I don't think I was so sure that I would ever have one until I spoke with Mistress Alyssa last night.  Than all doubts faded away somehow.  I have actually started to experience the sensation of wind blowing up my skirt and feeling it on my vagina.  Feels so wonderful!  And I am also going through the experience of having delicious smoke from a cigarette surrounding my vagina and going up into my vagina.  Oh My God, the feeling is incredible!  So erotic!  I think questions of moving forward in my feminization might have been seeping up through the back regions of my mind where maybe still a small bit of male-self is holding up in; but Mistress Alyssa having me smoke a Virginia Slim 120 made those doubts go right back down into that little male-self.  My mind was in a cloud last night as I smoked 4 Virginia Slim 120s with Mistress Alyssa.  I was floating as I slipped on a silky magenta nylon nighty and quietly got into bed so as to not disturb the woman who I'm having trouble with still thinking of as my wife.  just the other day i was thinking that we would try to get closer again, but my girl self, Melinda Anne, is pushing that idea away as she wants to be more and more feminine without a wife.  This still troubles me some, but than I smoke a Virginia Slim 120, and I only feel sissy girl thoughts and desires.  I woke up at some point in the night, and there must have been a worry still there about keeping things going with the wife, and i put my pjs on over my nighty.  I thought for a moment about taking off my nighty and just wearing the pjs, but my girl-self very quickly prevented that from happening.  I had thoughts of going down to see if Mistress Alyssa was online, but I fell back asleep. 

I have been thinking of trying Albion (sp?)  as a way to make my mind even more receptive to brain washing by Mistress Alyssa, but I'm not knowledgeable completely on how Albien works.  Maybe I'll try to get some and see how it feels. 

Mmmmm, I have a sudden craving for a VS 120 Menthol.  These cravings seem to come more often lately.

I was actually thinking that maybe I couldn't become addicted to smoking, but maybe I am addicted.

I think my steps toward being totally controlled and transformed into a complete Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl owned by Mistress Alyssa have been smaller than Mistress Alyssa wants, but I can feel myself going down that road, one baby sissy step after the next.

The idea of taking hormones keeps popping up in my head. I guess that I know once I find a place to order them, and I do go ahead and order them, I won't be able to resist trying them once I get them, and than upping the amount I'm taking, and before I realize it, I will be hooked on them, and won't be able to stop taking them.  And as I am taking them, they will be changing both my body and my mind.  And soon, I won't be able to hide those changes, and I will HAVE to embrace being a complete girl.

So many things going on, and more and more I am just going with how Mistress Alyssa is guiding and molding me. 

Can I Trade Cotton Bedsheets For Satin?

Sometimes just letting things go for a while results in the best outcome.  I don't think I am ready to get divorced, but I have constant thoughts of living full-time as a girl.  My new bed would have pink or red satin sheets, I think.  Which I would slide so erotically on while I 'm wearing my nylon nightgown.  And of course, I would have some beautiful ash tray right next to my bed on my nightstand.  Will my bedroom furniture be shiny futuristic black and chrome, or will I have a very sissy pink, white and lacy decor?   MMmmmmm---so much Pleasure thinking about it. 

I don't even how I would do this.  And I need to have my cell phone connected to my Yahoo IM.  How will that work then?  Can't seem to think things through anymore.  I think Mistress Alyssa has taken over my mind too much---just seem to want to wait to be told what to do by her.

At The Cliff Of Committing To Living Completely As A Girl

Talked to wife the other night about making changes in our lives.  Could not tell her that I needed to commit to my transition completely into a girl.  She was not very receptive at all to changes that did not mean that I was going to act more like a husband and less like I was the wife.  She said that maybe I would need to move out if I needed to make different changes, although she couldn't understand what those changes could be.  And she is definitely not interested in anyone who would smoke.  I certainly didn't know what to say to all of this, so I went for a walk and lighted up a Virginia Slim 120.  After that I just felt calm and went to bed after I got home.  I am just having a hard time thinking of what to do from here.  I don't even know where I would go if wife kicked me out.  I'm not even sure how I would go about transitioning physically into a girl.  Maybe I need to take time out?

So Much Fun Driving In Heels

I didn't even notice myself putting my high heels in the 4Runner, but I for some reason did without even thinking about it.  And than as soon as I got into my SUV, I just had to take my ugly guy shoes off and slip on my pretty pink strappy heels.  They felt wonderful, especially after I had removed my mens socks and leaving just my silky shiny slippery nylons on.  Heels slip on so easily over nylons.  I couldn't help myself from sneaking little peaks at my feet and high heels as I drove.  I of course had to put my mens socks and shoes back on when i got to work, and later when I got home.  I don't know if it was leftover from wearing the heels, but I was noticing that I was completely dressed in silky girly lingerie and it felt so much PLEASURE! I think I even wanted people to notice I was wearing feminine underwear.  I wanted my jigglies to push out the front of my top.

And to distract me even more, my Virginia Slim 120s had me feeling like I was having an orgasm everytime i smoked one.  I was going into contortions while I was smoking because I was getting so much PLEASURE.  I went shopping at lunch, but only had a little time, so I just bought a couple of deliciously sweet nylon panties.  Light blue and pink.  I really need many more, and bras to go with them.  But, i need to get my Sissy Dress before i spend much more.  It will be easier to buy the many feminine silky satiny girly clothes that I need to be wearing after I dont need to account for money spent with anyone else.  I will just need to do what my Mistress Alyssa wants me to do.  My wife keeps telling me that we need to do more things together, but I think that maybe I should be looking to spend more time with Mistress Alyssa instead?  But, wife keeps pushing me and I am can't stop being just a little bit submissive to her...

Not As Girly and Sissy A weekend As I Wanted

Dear Diary,

Weekend went by and I just wasn't able to be the all-girl I craved to be.  Wife kept insisting on being with me most of the the time, and I wasn't able to dress, smoke, and act the Fetish Smoking Girl I wanted to develop more over the weekend.  Maybe she senses something is up and she wants to stop it.  Hard for me to think about her much anymore.  I just have Mistress Alyssa on my mind.  But wife was trying to get me involved with her.  I'm trying to remember if I had something with her, but is hard to think.  Snuck off for one of my 10 cigarettes and would just feel feminine and submissive then.  Wife says we need to go away for a week, and just be "ourselves."  Says we need the time away.