Getting To Point Of No Return

Was kind of a lost week and weekend.  Been fighting bad cold/cough and had a very painful nerve problem in my arm.  On top of that, work kept calling me in for things.  Took me off-line in my progress toward the sissification and feminization that I think I'm going through.  I had a talk with Mistress Alyssa that was so powerful, so intense, that I couldnt stop thinking about it.  I was smoking for her and I was in the grips of the most powerful sexual orgasm that I have ever had.  Was imprinted on my mind.  Had planned to go shopping for all the girly things I need, but called by work, and than wasn't feeling very well.  I dont think I could think for myself much beforethat, but having to rest a bit, I realized that I am moving forward into truly becoming a fetish smoking sissy girl---that the compulsion to dress, smoke, obey, and be a girl is taking over all my thinking.  I think that it was always at the back of my mind that at some point i would stop and walk away from this, but I'm not sure that I can anymore.  And soon, I have a feeling, I will be totally committed to the fetish smoking sissy life, and that I will have become irreversiably addicted to smoking, dressing, obeying, and acting like a girl.  Already Mistress Alyssa has replaced my wife in my thoughts of whom i love and want to be with.

Tired But Bonded To Mistress

Talked and felt so close to Mistress Alyssa last night. And even after talking with Mistress for quite a while, had strong compulsion to talk to her in middle of night.  So strong feelings of wanting to be close to Mistress all the time now.  Had dreams of being a complete girl----a vagina--no cock, breasts, round soft fanny, curves, soft skin, long shiny hair---no guy in me---all girl!  Tired today, but thought about Mistress, smoking, and dressing all day.  Wore nylon panties and polyester cami under my guy ---yuck --clothes, and snuck outside for a delicious Virginia Slim 120.  Although I am not right now smoking a lot of cigarettes, I know I am becoming addicted to them at my Mistress's direction, and will be smoking more and more.  I am also thinking of coming out as transgender so i can be a smoking girl all day at work.  May also need to leave wife so i can be more completely a fetish smoking sissy girl.  Have stopped wearing my wedding ring because it is a man's ring and i am a girl, and i feel like my marriage is no longer valid because i am a girl and i got married as a man---although my male memories are starting to fade to be replaced by my Mistress Alyssa's thoughts.  I am off work tomorrow, so I want to go shopping for all the girly things I need---a cute, long hair wig, lots of girly make-up, a new bra, lingerie, new stockings, and sexy girly high heels.  Also maybe a silky dress if i can find one and a sheer silky blouse. 

I Should Be talking To Mistress

I think I ran out the house and forgot that I was talking to my Mistress Alyssa.  I am her good girl.  I am a good girl, good girls obey, i obey

Smoking In My House

It has been weird the last few days.  I was chatting with Mistress, sitting at the kitchen table, when I heard my wife driving into the garage.  It startled me as I suddenly realized that I had a delicious Virginia Slim 120 in my mouth and I was holding a match ready to light up my cigarette. My wife doesn't know I smoke let alone that I would smoke in the house! I didnt even realize that i was about to lite up.   But, the craving for the smoke was wiping out all other thoughts, and it took all my will to close my laptop and run outside to smoke where my wife wouldn't see me.  I couldnt believe that I came that close to smoking in the house, even without wife being there.  I can't figure out what i was thinking....   But, the thought of smoking in the house does seem very, very nice.   .

Melinda- Business Woman

Went out of town on business trip.  Had fun but many things did not go as they should have gone for me.  Couldn't get a smoking room like I really wanted so I could have smoked with my Mistress Alyssa, and smoked much more often my delicious Virginia Slim 120s.  I did finally get to talk to my Mistress Alyssa, although I think I talked much longer than I remember.  Time just seems to disappear when I talk to my Mistress Alyssa.  I do feel sooo wonderful when i'm talking with her.  There is nothing better than being with her.  After we talked, I took off my silky nightie, which it felt so erotic to sleep in, and put on my silky magenta silky polyester long sleeve blouse and long skirt set.  I was just craving a smoke, and I could not resist running out the back of the hotel, since I dare not smoke in the room---although I almost did since the compulsion to light up was so very very strong.  I don't know what I was thinking but other than the NEED to smoke my sexy feminine Virginia 120s.  I didnt have wig or make-up on (which I have been feeling an almost equally strong compulsion to start wearing---but my only thoughts were that I am a smoking girl who needs to smoke her cigarettes in her skirt and blouse.  I was out back, and only a few persons passed near the area, but I dont think they paid me any attention.  Funny though, I think I wanted people to see me in my skirt and blouse (and bra with my jigglies).  I was enjoying myself so much I didn't even realize that I lit up another delicious Virginia Slim 120.  I was just finishing my second cigarette, when my cell phone went off, letting me know they wanted to meet for breakfast.  As much as I wanted to go dressed as the girl whom I am, I did run back to the room and change into yucky mens clothes.  I wanted very much to go back to the room after and call mjy Mistress Alyssa, but I got dragged off to meetings for the rest of the day.  I had left on nylon and panties and a cami and thigh high nylons, but I could not shake the constant thoughts that I needed to be wearing a dress.  One person I heard comment that someone in another department had come back to work as a transgender woman, and I was wishing that was me.  When I finally got back to my room, I found the wi-fi not working.  I was going to go down and check on a new password, and I fell asleep.  Seemed to have come down with a nasty cough, and sore throat that night.,  Even though it hurt some to smoke,  I did smoke some the rest of my time there, although I didnt go out dressed.  Slept in my nightie and sucked my thumb, which has become an irresistible habit, but had little time to dress as melinda should be dressed all the time.  Came home last night. 

As soon as I am over this cough, I want to see about getting a hotel room somewhere just to be melinda, Mistress Alyssa's Fetish smoking sissy girl.  I keep having thoughts of what it would be like to live as a full-time girl.

Part-Time Job

I'm looking for a part-time job.  Preferably one where I'm working as a T-Girl.  I know you are thinking well, why doesn't melinda have her Mistress Alyssa work me as her call girl.  I just don't think that Mistress wants to do that with me---at least not yet.  Maybe work in an adult book store?  Or a gay bathhouse, or maybe as a receptionist at a Transgender Clinic.  I might get an employee discount there!  I was thinking that I needed extra  money so that I could move out into my own separate place, but now it is seeming that my Mistress does not want me to do that. 

I really need to start wearing make-up.  I just feel that way!  Maybe  there is an Avon Lady out there who would help.  But, I need to start wearing it all!  I am a girl, and a girl wears make-up.

Going away on business for a few days.  Normally, I get to make my own hotel room arrangements, but this time they got  the room for me---youknow, cost savings crap!   I wanted a smoking room so that I could light up delicious Virginia Slim 120s while  I was dressed and in the room.  At  least I know I will be wearing a silky nightie to  bed for next few nights.  Speaking of bed, that is where I need to go now.  Bye.

Leaving Town

I am going out of the town for the weekend.  Wish I was going out to see my Mistress Alyssa, but unfortunately not.  I'm not even going to have opportunity to dress.  That is going to hurt, as I have become seriously addicted to dressing.  But, wife is insisting that we spend a weekend away together.  As I said, wish I could be going away with my Mistress.  I will sneak my silver case with delicious Virginia Slim 120s in them.  Think wife wants me to feel like her husband again, but I don't think I can feel that way any more.  I am a girl, not a husband.

My Jigglies In A Bra Today

Just seemed that I needed to wear a bra, so I did today.  Often forgot I had it on today, but I had enough clothes on in the cold weather and seemingly even colder office that I dont think anyone noticed.  I did notice that I need more bras as this one had a broken strap.  Bad melinda!  No panties today.  Silly- no I didnt wear boy underwear---it was no panty Wednesday!  Had stopped smoking for a few days---being sick "helped."  But, had such a craving all day to light up, that I did smoke a few of those wonderful smokey treats.  Haven't found a girl group yet to smoke with, and i feel the need to bond with other girls.   ooooo gotcha- i no wats up! mi Mistess has been putin girly thouhts in mi head.  I luv bein a gurl!  And i wan ta suk cock, smok, and dres sexxy!  What just happened?  I swear I don't really know.  Was feeling closer to my wife lately up until today, and suddenly felt detached and disinterested with her.  Hoping to have some alone time soon to maybe try to sort things out.  Feel like I'm moving back into a feminine mode again after drifting away from that for a few days.  Where am I going.  Sometimes, especially if I light up an intoxicating Virginia Slim 120, my mind goes blank and I just move along a path of feeling like a girl.

Wife Said I'm Acting Like A Girl

Wife told me that I have been acting like a girl lately.  My mannerisms, the way I walk, the way I talk.  She said that even some of my clothes are looking feminine.  She said that we need to re-connect.  I bought some new men's pj bottoms that were silky nylon, and she hated them.  Little she know that I actually wanted to wear a silky nightie instead with panties.  I have been trying to be more of a guy around her, but it hasn't felt right.  I just feel confused, and keep dreaming about my Mistress Alyssa.  Wife has also told me that she doesn't want me smoking cigarettes.  I don't smoke in front of her, but I am trying to stop although having a delicious Virginia Slim 120 gives me so much bliss.  Maybe I need to give up my wife instead of dressing and cigarettes---I am trying to do what she says, and my submissive side has started to give into her.  But, anytime i see a woman (or t-girl) smoking a cigarette, I want to be them.  And I lapse into a trance if I stare at a silky dress or sheer blouse and silky skirt for very long.  Been so busy lately, that not so much time to be tempted by smoking and dressing, but I know I could go back to it stronger than ever if I re-exposed myself to dressing and smoking.  I had started to think about divorce before wife re-asserted herself so I know it would be so easy to just give into being transformed into a complete fetish smoking sissy girl.  I have to even avoid thinking about it too much, let alone looking at pictures of fetish smoking sissies.  I have found that I have really been enjoy sucking on my thumb.  I fantasize that I'm sucking on a cock.

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