Can't Stop Pushing Toward Becoming More Fewminized, More Sissified, And an Addicted Smoker

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to think that really nothing is happening to me and I'm not becoming more and more feminized, not turning into a sissy, and not increasingly becoming addicted to smoking.  But it is seeming that all I want to do are things that will make me more that way.  My strongest focus has become to do things that will make me increasingly feminized, more a sissy, stronger and stronger smoking addiction, and totally bound to my Mistress Alyssa.  I think there is still a little bit of me that holds onto the belief that I will at some point stop all of this.  But, I can also feel melinda trying to make changes that will feminize me past the point of no return.  Make changes that are irreversible.

I tried to do some shopping today for femme things at Fashion Blvd., in Garden Grove because I had read on the internet that it was a good place for a cd to shop.  Although they had some silky dresses I really liked, they didn't have much for cds.  Shopping for mail order/online is starting to seem like a better and better idea.  I will be wearing a Lolita Dress that Mistress Alyssa picks out for me.  They also have wigs that might be right for me.  Maybe I should order some dresses and boots for my Mistress as well.

I watched Midnight In Paris, and not only did i find that I was enjoying the dresses on the women, I really enjoyed watching so many of the women smoke.  I was trying to copy the way the girls held their cigarettes without attracting my wife's attention. 

Reflecting on what I said earlier here---and I love writing here, it is my diary now, most of the things that i choose to do now are things involving my feminization, my sissification, my smoking fetish, or thinking about being hypnotized by Mistress Alyssa and brainwashed by her.  Those other things in my life are becoming less and less important.

Irresistible Late Night Run For Cigarettes

I was talking to my Mistress Alyssa, who is transforming me into her fetish smoking sissy girl forever, when I realized I was out of cigarettes.  I had smoked my last Virginia Slim 120 early in the day, and for some reason I don't understand, had not thought about buying a new pack.  But as I spoke with Mistress Alyssa, a craving to smoke a cigarette began to build up in me.  It wasn't long and I knew I had to have a cigarette, even though it was very late.  Mistress gave me permission to leave, although I was completely attached to her at this point and wanting to be with her so much.  But, I told my wife I really needed some cough drops and drove over to the neighborhood liquor store.  I think that the clerk probably thinks I'm gay at this point as I do swish more and more and I'm buying women's cigarettes.  I think I'm actually enjoying people thinking me gay now.  Although I don't know how I would react if another guy tried to hit on me.  But, i am now completely in love with Mistress Alyssa, so it doesn't matter.  Anyway---I got my cigarettes and smoked 3 of them outside in the parking lot.  Felt like a schoolgirl!

Mistress Alyssa and I did some virtual shopping together, I saw some of dresses that I will soon be wearing, and the dresses that Mistress might decide to wear.  Also some great boots.  I can't wait for us to buy somethings together.  I am mesmerized by the silky, satiny, slippery type material for dresses.  Can't decide if I need to try to get a PO Box or risk having things sent here.

I realized how far into feminization that I had gone last night, and how I am starting to think of ways to insure that this feminization and sissification is permanent and irreversible.  I love that I am a smoking sissy girl and I want to go even deeper into being one.  I am now addicted to smoking, dressing in femme, and obeying my Mistress Alyssa.

What Is Going To Be My Idenity?

As I browsed through dresses shown on the internet, I started to wonder what type of girl will I eventually become?  Will I end up in shiny frilly Sissy dresses and wearing a leather and lace Sissy Collar.  Or will I end up dressed in sophisticated silk dresses?  Or sheer silky blouses that my lacy bra shows though with a straight skirt with a satin lining?  You can see why I felt so strange as I was ordering men clothes from Lands End.  What wasa I doing?  I don't wear men's clothing anymore, do I?  Well, regretfully, I guess I do. 

I still have so much shopping to do.  I am conflicted.  There are some fabulous wigs online, but I have no where to send them to.  Also I could order some sexy Sissy Dresses.  I am seeing Jennifer Lopez on American Idol with a dress I should be in.  It is shiny turqois---high neck and long sleeves. 

Again---what type of girl am I going to be?  I have given into completely finally that I will be completely a girl. 

How Do I Remove Lipstick?

Had great fun doing some girly shopping.  I wore a silky sheer black blouse over a cami and bra and of course nylons and panties.  Thank goodness it was cool enough that wear a light jacket didnt look odd.  My boobies were pushed down although i really love to have them push way out from my chest.  Had fun looking at silky sheer things but really didnt buy much---yet.  Will need to make another trip.  Still need to find a wig.  Looked at cosmetics but felt so conspicuous there.  Got some red lipstick, but Im afraid  to put it on because I dont know how to remove it.  Or for that matter, other make-up too?  Can someone tell me.  I really need to learn.  I want to look very girly.  And soon, I want to visit my Mistress Alysssa.  I will be so girly for her, and I will be hypnotized and dress and smoke Virginia Slim 120s and suck her cock till I can't remember anything else.  Well, it's No Panty Wednesday, so I need to go figure out what to wear.  I do feel so girly when I write here, and the feeling is made even stronger as I'm enjoying right now smoking a sexy yummy Virginia Slim 120.  You know I am starting to miss not being under hypnosis.  It's like i'm craving to be in that state.  Is that possible?  I think I have an addictive personality.  My arm still hurts some, but I seem to be able to control the pain a lot just by focusing on turning the pain down.  I sometimes can do that too when i still feeling resistance to being the girl i know I am.  I think Im starting to act more and more like a girl.  I'll catch myself doing something girly, but then I'll be glad that I did that, even though a part of me is still thinking---David, what the hell are you doing?!  Not sure how much longer that voice will be there, but unfortunately it gets reinforcement by my male clothes and having a wife that treats me like a guy.  Not sure how much longer melinda will put up with those conditions!  And all of a sudden, I really want to wear a sissy collar!  What am I thinking!  That will really identify me!  I can't do that, can I?!  But the silky insidious feeling of wanting one---that I need to get one and to start wearing it keeps sliding into my thoughts.  Well, diary, I've perhaps talked too much, and for too long for sure.  So good bye my sweetie till another time.. 

Been Out Of It

Haven't been on the computer for a while.  Sleeping a lot, but dreaming of smoking and dressing and becoming a fetish smoking sissy girl.    Oh, hiya you all.  This is Chloe.  I have been so happy thinking about how much of a cock suckin gurl i is.  juz cant gett it out of my mind that look where im all the way down on a jusey hard cock ands i look up and see my man's so great look of being ins heaven. and feelin his balls againzt my chin.  Iz there anything better.  Or maibe except when he getz me down on my hands and knees and sticks that hard cock up my juicey pussy hole and woooaa tuz that feel soooo good.  Been meanin to gits sume more gurly things real soon, but juz seen no time.  Wish i waz livin as a gurl all the time.  Maybe soon.  I nneed to have my hsair real long and show off my real girly self with sum bright red lipstick---real shiny maybe.

mmmmm hi everyone.  Seemed to black out for a moment but i think im back---melinda.  Has been funny lately.  I feel very girly, but suddenly my libido seems to have cranked up in an odd way.  I am actually starting to look at other women again, and feel a strong attraction.  Not all, but some---particularly if they are smoking.  I'm not sure what is happening.  Been taking a lot of Vicodin (feel like I'm House!), so maybe my reality is getting warped.  I do feel a lot more dreamy a lot of the time.  Like I'm hypnotized.  I promise to come back later.  Need to do somethings but promise to push down the path toward sissy girlhood.

Still Hanging In There

Still not feeling completely well, but the weather is getting better and the Spring must be on the way.  I should start feeling more and more feminine with the nicer weather.  Wore my nylon nighty to bed for the first time in a while, and it felt so good.  Had some extra smokey treats after trying to keep that what is becoming an irresistible habit from taking me over.  Funny how those little white sticks can cuch.  But, than, I'm easy to control anyway.  Sorry haven't written much, but just not felt like writing.  After a smokey treat I will think about writing but as pain creeps up on me, i just want to lay down.  But feeling better and I know how much i want to be programmed by hypnosis to be only Mistress Alyssa's Fetish smoking sissy girl.  I love being a girl.

Smoking Is Sex

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

No Panties Wednesday Almost Over

Trying to decide what to wear to bed.  Maybe a slip tonight.  I have to admit that I love wearing silky nylon or satin panties and actually miss them on No Panty Wednesday.  Watched House tonight on the DVR, and was thinking that I need to go see him to get rid of this abomindible cough.  Haven't been this sick in years.  Too tired to go shopping, but when I feel better, will through myself into getting all the girly things I need to make myself the girl i know i am.  Oh, by the way, if anyone else is actually reading this (my blog) feel free to comment.  I know this blog isn't nearly as exciting as some i see here, with photos and attachments, but I would still love to hear from anyone else.  I am really wanting to show everyone im a girl now.  Find myself wanting to let my bra be visible through my shirt, before i realize what im doing and cover up.  Not sure where im going with all of this.  I do know that i could easily just drift into full feminization.  I have such a fascination for bridal gowns.  I would just love to wear one---evfen just hold one.  I especially love the high neck, long sleeve gowns with lots of silky sheer material.  But, maybe that's another story.  Probably need to get some sleep.  Off this Friday I think, so maybe I can be girly that day, shop, and rest, and talk some to my Mistress Alyssa.  I know that guy will want me to come over in femme, but I would need to check with Mistress Alyssa about that.

It's No Panties Wednesday

As I'm getting dressed today, I'm thinking I want to get some sets of lacy bra, garters and panties to wear underneath as a girl like me should.  Of course, no panties today!  I realize that I really need a lot more girlie things.  Like new silky sheer nylons to put on my legs and attach to my garters.  Went to the doctor to get something for this nasty cough of mine yesterday, and was going to do more shopping, but took forever in there.  I think I could really use a mailing address with so many very girlie things available online.  I know a guy who really wants me for his girlfriend who would let me use his address, but I need to clear that with my Mistress Alyssa.  Also he would want to make love to me if i show up to his place in a skirt with bra and garters and nylons underneath.  I really need to be fucked, but Mistress might take care of that.