I Love Writing About My melinda self

It feels so sweet and girly to talk about my melinda girl self here.  But, a girl always loves to write in her diary I guess.  I need to write more often because I feel so wonderful while I'm writing.  And I love smoking a Virginia Slim 12 Menthol cigarette while I'm writing.  I didn't like the menthol at first, but now I'm loving it.  I am able to inhale it so much deeper and hold the delicious smoke in longer.  I have gone back to the Virginia Slim 120 Regulars a few times, but the Menthols just keep popping up in my thoughts, and I want to have one.

I am getting ready to order some Sissy clothes from Birch Place (Shop).  MMMMMMM.  Going to order a mini Satin Sissy Dress, Frilly Collars, and Mincing Ribbons.  I will LOVE wearing them all.  And they all have locks!  Not sure how I'm going to work that.  But I am a Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl now for my Mistress Alyssa, so I want to wear all while smoking for her.

I think I should be soon making another step in my transformation process.  Not sure what that will be, but I want to keep becoming more a sissy girl for my Mistress Alyssa.  I am completely consumed with thoughts of her now, and want to immerse my life with hers.

Still Under Mistress Alyssa's Control

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Slipping Out Of Town

I have to meet some relatives in Las Vegas for a few days.  Should be fun, but interrupts my tasks that I need to do.  I need to buy a sissy dress and cololar to wear to show how much a sissy girl I am for my Mistress Alyssa.  I will love wearing a sissy dress and collar and smoking Virginia Slim 120 Menthols for my Mistress.  I feel more and more girly, and I am less and less afraid to show everyone how girly I am.  I know a lesbian at my work that i want to tell that I am a transgendered girl.  i have started smoking with her, and i think she thinks I'm a closet gay.  I do want to suck cock, but I think I really want to smoke Mistress's cock.  Sometimes the need to suck Mistress Alyssa's cock is so strong is the only way to satisfy the craving is to smoke a cigarette.  Smoking has become like sex for me.  I get soooo much PLEASURE taking a drag off my Virginia Slim 120-----mmmmm.  And I didn't even smoke, what 6 months ago?!  How did all this happen?!  My thoughts are somewhat jumbled a bit these days.  I'm in a cloud of thinking about dressing, smoking and obeying.    I will try to get back here before I leave for Vegas.

I know Chloe wants to write here, but I'm holding her off for a little later.

I am using this new format for Goggle.  Hope it is working?

Need To Show My Girly Self

Took a vicodin and didn;t wake up last night.  Had lots of girly dreams although.  Felt SO girly this morning.  I might wear a blouse today---I have one that isn't too girly that I can get away with at work.  Just need to be dressed as the girl I am.  Not sure why I need to do that so bad this morning.  Of course, wear a silky cami and lacy bra underneath.  I keep having thoughts about moving out to live as a smoking girl all the time.  Feeling the NEED to do this.  Thinking of sucking cock, too.  Can't ask Dolores about that because she wouldnt know anything about that! Lol.  Maybe I can start wearing bits of make-up too.  I will bring my pink cigarette case with me today.  I know I will want to take it out to look at it a lot, so than I will of course  have to smoke.  Haven't been smoking much lately, but I am craving them more now.  Just taloking about them makes me want to smoke a delicious Virginia Slim 120 now.  I think I need to buy a pack of VS 120 menthols today.  They get into my head more than just the regular ones.  Wish i could stay longer, but should get going now.

No Panties Wednesday

Need to figure out my wardrobe today.  Mmmmmmm and I feel so girly today.  Wish I could wear that Sissy Dress Mistress Alyssa picked out for me.  Well, more on that later.  Gotta go.

Controlled By The Dress

As I pulled my silky sheer, slippery feminine girl clothes out, with the intent of getting rid of everything, it was like holding the power ring of Lord of The Rings in my hand.  They took control of me.  I needed them.  I wanted them on me.  Even though they put everything else in jeopardy, I could not rid myself of them.  I felt guilty for not purging them as i had planned to do, but I put them back in their keeping places.  And as I put them back, I felt the craving to wear them, to have them, to give in completely to becoming all girl become even stronger.  The addiction is greater than it was before and my will is not strong enough to fight that addiction.  I feel the desire to give in completely---to wear these clothes more and more and eventually only them.  And I think of the craving to smoke and I realize how much i now love the taste on menthol cigarettes.  I had been thinking that menthol was not for me but I can feel the craving to smoke them all the time.  The craving is even stronger than my other Virginia Slim 120s.  I could smoke 2 packs a day instead of just the 1 pack that i was thinking I would eventually smoke because the menthol are twice as easy to smoke.  And i think of my Mistress Alyssa and how I must obey her.  I need to become her sissygirl slavegirl.  I need to wear her sissy collar to show that she owns me.  That i am permanently and completely her submissive sissy.  I need to look for a sissy collar.  I can't but think where I will go next now that i could not purge my femme clothes and femme self.  That the cravings for them proved stronger them my will and decision to quit my process and practice of femin ization and sissification.

Purge?

Wife found a pair of my pantyhose in our bedroom.  I told her must have been one of our guests we had over and just got mixed in with some blankets or something.  Not sure if she believed it.  I had a reaction to just end all of my feminization---to throw away all my girl clothes.  I actually thought about doing that, but I love my silky feminine things so much.  I am waiving on what to do. 

Palm Springs

Was out to Palm Springs today.  Wish I had been there for the transgender contingent of the Gay Pride Weekend, but was actually out there for the ABBA "cover" group/band at a casino.  I so wanted to be one of the girls in the band.  So feminine and pretty, and wearing satiny shiny 70's mini dress.  Got to see a lot of other girls smoking in the casino which made me feel very girly too.

Smoked my first Virginia Slim 120 menthols on Friday.  Not sure I like them as much as the VS regulars.  The menthols do seem stronger, and I got dizzy from them.  I did smoke about 10 of them on Friday, and I could taste them all day.  It was wonderful talking to my Mistress Alyssa on Friday, whom I had not spoken to in a couple of days.  Some guests around had made it difficult to  get on the computer.

I am still working out finding a PO Box to get mail and mail order clothes and other girly things (Hormones, etc).  Having to get taxes done has also complicated time concerns.

Wife has been nicer lately.  Maybe she senses I was pulling away, and she wants to get back closer again.  Not sure how I feel about that.  But, I just have to look at myself in the mirror wearing something femme, or even sit down with a Virginia Slim 120 and let the submissive girly feelings wash over me and all I can think of is that I am Mistress Alyssa's fetish smoking sissy girl and I want to eliminate everything in myself except my girl self.  Smoking has become sex to me, and I don't know if I need or even want it anymore with my wife.  When I smoke, I just get so much pleasure and just want to be the sissy girl I am.  But, do I push further into my sissification and feminization?  Do I try and stay where I'm at right now and kind of live a double life?  I know my wife would like to pull me back to being her husband, but I'm not sure that I can be that anymore.  Have I gone to far in having melinda take over?   I am so addicted to dressing now could I really stop doing it?  Am I addicted to smoking now too?  And could I not obey my Mistress Alyssa, who I am feeling a need of wanting to wear her sissy collar and serve her completely?!  How far is Mistress Alyssa going to take me in my feminization and sissification?  I don't have any answers right now.