Trying A Balancing Act

I am trying to achieve a balance between my fetish smoking sissy girl self and the masculine, assertive man who I'm supposed to be.  I say this while I'm slipping on a silky sheer pair of black nylon hose over my legs and attaching them to a black lace garter I'm wearing.  lol. of my  Looking over the twin mounds of my lacy bra tightly covered with a silky smooth polyester cami. And all the while, it's taking every bit of my willpower not to slip into a silky sheer nylon blouse instead of the cotton men's button down shirt I need (?) to wear to work.  My willpower holds---this time...It has become increasingly difficult to repress my feminine mannerisms that have become natural to me, and to hold back the desire to just come out as a transgender woman at work.  It would probably just better to retire and move away from here---even if it mean leaving my wife.  But, as I said, I'm trying to create some sort of balance where I can experience being melinda, but not lose all the rest of my life.  It becomes increasingly hard to resist the desire to be controlled, to be a complete sissy, and totally feminized.  I have had thoughts of quiting smoking, but my cigs make me feel so nice, I feel so much P L E A S U R E from them, and i feel submissive, so girly when I smoke.  And I find myself dreaming of once again being one of Mistress Alyssa's girls.  And doing everything I must to be her girl.  When I was under Mistress Alyssa's control, I felt so secure.  I didn't have to think much, rather I would just follow the path that Mistress had conditioned me to follow.  It was becoming more and more automatic.  It would be so easy and feel so right to go back to that.  I think i am a girl who needs to be owned.  But, the thoughts that I can't just give up being a guy seeps back in.  I thought that I could just choose to go back to being a man, but Mistress Alyssa has too deeply conditioned me for that to happen.  Mistress has transformed me into a Fetish Smoking Sissy Girl, and I am afraid that i will always be one from now on.  The only question is whether i will give into the constant overwhelming desire to be melinda completely inside AND outside.  Maybe I'll just have another delicious Virginia Slim 120 and let my mind slip further into that wonderful feminine and submissive sense of self.